Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Better late than unwritten, right?
SO...Sarah's grandmother is sick. In a baffling and highly mysterious fashion. Four hundred miles away from here. And I can't go, because I have to work. And Sarah probably does too, I would imagine. All I can do is pray and worry. And we can't even spend hours on the phone, because hospital = no cell phone. So I watched three movies in a row (plus some deleted scenes and audio commentary) starting as soon as I got home from work tonight so I wouldn't have to think about how worried I am.
But I just can't make myself watch another movie. I had to force myself to pay attention to the ones that I watched. Even though they were all movies I really wanted to see. So now I'm just sitting and worrying and wondering and waiting. I carry the phone with me every time I go from room to room in case she calls me. I try to distract myself with anything available, but nothing works for very long. It's excruciating.
There's also, I'm ashamed to admit, a part of me that is very selfishly upset that this means Sarah's plans to come and see me next week (which have already been put off twice) will probably be put on hold indefinitely now, because apparently there are no other family members who care enough to look after her grandmother, and also how much of a jerk would I have to be to ask her to leave her in the hospital like that? I feel like several thousand varieties of shit for even thinking that right now. But I was really looking forward to seeing her. I haven't talked about anything else for days. I even started cleaning and organizing. And now I'm all "What's the use? I'm never gonna get to see her anyway. Might as well wallow in my mud puddle/apartment." All my coworkers are going to think I'm making her up.
Mostly, though, I'm just really concerned for everyone, but especially for Sarah. Her grandmother is a pretty tough old lady. I think she'll pull through just fine. I refuse to contemplate any other possibility. But I know the suspense and the worry and the lack of information are killing Sarah, and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it. I'm four hundred miles away, picking at my hands and pacing the floor and just generally being irritable and impossible to be around. I've never heard her sound so completely freaked out and unsure of what to do. It scares me a little, but mostly it just makes me want to wrap her in my arms and stroke her hair and tell her everything will be okay and help her make decisions and just be there for her to lean on. Why does Virginia have to be such a long state? Grr.
I had one of those spiritual connection moments last night. The ones where you really know there's a God and you pray a lot (but mostly the same things over and over) and you cry so much you think you'll never cry again and you make all kinds of unrealistic promises and weird little bargains, even though you know that God is not the bargaining sort.
Why does this stuff always happen? Why can nothing be simple and straightforward and happy-ending? Why do we have to be so far apart? Why do I have a sucky job? Why would God let such a wonderful person get sick like this? I don't understand. And I'm scared. And I want it all to go away. But mostly I just wish we were together. Everything makes more sense that way. But even if it didn't, I wouldn't care, because when we're together nothing else matters.
But I just can't make myself watch another movie. I had to force myself to pay attention to the ones that I watched. Even though they were all movies I really wanted to see. So now I'm just sitting and worrying and wondering and waiting. I carry the phone with me every time I go from room to room in case she calls me. I try to distract myself with anything available, but nothing works for very long. It's excruciating.
There's also, I'm ashamed to admit, a part of me that is very selfishly upset that this means Sarah's plans to come and see me next week (which have already been put off twice) will probably be put on hold indefinitely now, because apparently there are no other family members who care enough to look after her grandmother, and also how much of a jerk would I have to be to ask her to leave her in the hospital like that? I feel like several thousand varieties of shit for even thinking that right now. But I was really looking forward to seeing her. I haven't talked about anything else for days. I even started cleaning and organizing. And now I'm all "What's the use? I'm never gonna get to see her anyway. Might as well wallow in my mud puddle/apartment." All my coworkers are going to think I'm making her up.
Mostly, though, I'm just really concerned for everyone, but especially for Sarah. Her grandmother is a pretty tough old lady. I think she'll pull through just fine. I refuse to contemplate any other possibility. But I know the suspense and the worry and the lack of information are killing Sarah, and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it. I'm four hundred miles away, picking at my hands and pacing the floor and just generally being irritable and impossible to be around. I've never heard her sound so completely freaked out and unsure of what to do. It scares me a little, but mostly it just makes me want to wrap her in my arms and stroke her hair and tell her everything will be okay and help her make decisions and just be there for her to lean on. Why does Virginia have to be such a long state? Grr.
I had one of those spiritual connection moments last night. The ones where you really know there's a God and you pray a lot (but mostly the same things over and over) and you cry so much you think you'll never cry again and you make all kinds of unrealistic promises and weird little bargains, even though you know that God is not the bargaining sort.
Why does this stuff always happen? Why can nothing be simple and straightforward and happy-ending? Why do we have to be so far apart? Why do I have a sucky job? Why would God let such a wonderful person get sick like this? I don't understand. And I'm scared. And I want it all to go away. But mostly I just wish we were together. Everything makes more sense that way. But even if it didn't, I wouldn't care, because when we're together nothing else matters.
