Well technically...

So...there was work drama today. And, since I got about two hours of sleep, I was not really equipped to deal with work drama. HOWEVER, I survived, and that is the important thing, right?

I also got to go to Barnes & Noble tonight...I read part of s/he by Minnie Bruce Pratt (amazing woman!), and part of Anything but Straight, which is about ex-gay ministries. Parts of it made me so mad I wanted to spit...particularly the bits about Paul Cameron, who single-handedly provided most of the misleading, hurtful (and entirely erroneous) statistics that anti-gay activists have been hurling at us for years. He helped perpetuate the ideas that AIDS is a judgement from God on gay people and that all gay people are child molesters and psychologically abnormal. The thing that really gets me is that people whose research he claimed to have used repeatedly wrote letters saying that they never produced the figures he was quoting...the APA kicked him out, he was discredited many times, yet many high-profile right-wing religious groups continued to use his false statistics and hate-filled pamphlets to kill gay-friendly legislation and raise money. For example...he said that gay men were several times more likely than straight men to have syphilis and crabs, and lesbians were more likely to have scabies and some other STD, but he based this solely on results from gay people who went to a VD clinic! Right! Cause that's not biased at all!

And people believe this shit. It's appalling the stuff people will fall for.

Also, Exodus? The huge network of ex-gay ministries? Its two male co-founders eventually realized that they were in love with each other and that they had been deluding themselves all along. They're currently a couple, and they're ex-ex-gay activists. But of course you don't hear anything about them on the Exodus website...oh no.

Pretty much the entire network of ex-gay ministries is based on lies...there are hardly any success stories from people who are not full-time professional heterosexuals...people who lead classes and therapy sessions, etc. And frequently even they end up being caught in gay bars or "slip back into the lifestyle." It's just so sad and pathetic...why must people fight so hard against who they are? Why do people force other people to do this? I don't understand it.

Sorry for the political rant, but I needed to get that off my chest...

So...today was much better than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then the first thing that happened this morning was the mailman delivering both sets of books I ordered on Ebay, so I was pretty excited about that. I started reading The Left Hand of Darkness...it's GOOD, people. So good! *smirk*

Also, work wasn't too bad...I tried hard to be cheerful and apparently it worked...I asked T and he said I was much better tonight. Also got an instant message from T's little sister...that was strange. She wanted to know if I was his girlfriend. I explained that I was a lesbian and she said "ew." I told her to go play with a Barbie or something. She's 14, so she was kind of offended, but I couldn't really bring myself to care...I mean, she was signed on under his screen name. Weird. I think I'll call and tell him about it before she gets the chance, although I know they don't get along *evil grin*

My grandfather called me...he finally got the letter my parents sent him...I said I'd come over on Friday afternoon to look at it...her perked right up when I said that. I feel bad for not making the time to visit him sooner...

Time to go read some more (yay!)

So...I'm kinda bitchy at work sometimes. I realize this. I accept this. I'm even learning to embrace my inner bitch, when it motivates other people to get stuff done.

However...T, my best friend at work, just got internet back after a hiatus of several weeks, and after we exchanged the usual pleasantries, he informed me that everyone had noticed a marked upswing in bitchiness on my part...to the point where people look at the schedule and go "oh no, I have to work with her tonight." I am so, so disappointed in myself. How could I be so blind? I know I've been stressed out over Mom and Dad leaving, and being poor, and where I'm going to go for the holidays, and how I'm going to afford to get there and back, especially with gas prices being as high as they are. But still...apparently just about everyone is really annoyed with me, and I need to snap out of it or they're going to actually hate me.

I've been trying so hard to get everything done...trying to keep on top of everything, and earn the employees' respect, as well as management's. But instead...everybody thinks I'm a raving bitch and they ask each other "how's hannah tonight?" There is a BITCH FORECAST, people. ABOUT ME. Do you have any idea how sad and stupid and horrible and cruel and pathetic that makes me feel? I knew I had snapped at a couple people. I knew I hadn't joked around or laughed as much as usual...but...but...dammit, I'm crying, and I should know better than to let it get to me, but I don't really have any emotional reserves right now, and I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone for a week. Actually, I want to drive up and see Sarah and to hell with Dairy Queen and lazy-ass employees and flat tires.

I miss her so much it's like a physical ache sometimes...why does my best friend have to live several hundred miles away? Why do my parents have to be on the other side of the world when I so badly need a shoulder to cry on and a parental kick in the rear about my attitude and a friendly, familiar, non-work-related face when I'm so lonely I want to dial random numbers from the phone book and hope someone will talk to me?

I feel depression coming on...and I don't have access to Prozac this time, so I have to fight it off by myself, before it gets so debilitating that I don't even go to work and I end up homeless. I really, really, have to do something to turn this around. Perhaps I will ask B (my manager) if I can work a couple days a week...that will give me something to get up for. Something to keep me from doing this weird nocturnal thing that seems to be keeping me from accomplishing anything with my life aside from working and doing two loads of laundry a week. This can't continue. I think maybe I will go to bed now, and have a good cry, and try to get up at 1:00 tomorrow. I have to work a dayshift on Wednesday, so I need to start adjusting now.

Sorry to unload all this dreary stuff on everybody...

...as the leftovers said when they were wrapped up and put in the fridge for the third time (yes, Mom, I still remember).

I really wanted to go to church tonight, but I didn't make it...for the fourth week in a row, I'm sorry to say. I woke up late, and the closest open tire place I could find was all the way out at Military Circle, and by the time they were done putting the tire on, it was a quarter to six, and there was just no way I could have made it all the way to Hampton in time. SO...I went to Barnes & Noble, and spilled coffee on myself, and bought a copy of Eldest, which I just finished reading (excellent, by the way...now I'm waiting impatiently for the sequel). It was nice to be able to drive on the interstate again without fearing for my life. I think a week of driving very cautiously (due to the spare tire I was using) has taught me a bit of caution. I found myself driving at the speed limit! Or maybe I was just tired...I seem to be very lethargic these days, and I don't understand it. It's becoming really frustrating, because I have so much to do (like copying and pasting all those old blog entries, and cleaning my apartment, and seeing about finding a supplemental source of income), and none of it gets done. I'm also frustrated by my inability to get to sleep. I lie in bed for hours and it just won't come to me. Grr.

It's nice to spend my day off in relaxation, but I find that I miss the human contact church and work provide...I need to get in touch with Mrs. M (my high school Latin teacher) about getting together for coffee...we made tentative arrangements, but no definite plans. I put off trying to set a date until I had the tire taken care of. Now, maybe I can find the time. Can't do it tomorrow, though...laundry and paycheck depositing need to be done before work, and I don't have enough quarters for a load of laundry, so I have to take all my pennies to work and exchange them *rueful smirk* I've spent too much money these past two weeks...far too much. I could have gotten away with it, but then I had to buy a tire, which was more expensive than I had hoped, and now I can see I'm going to regret all my trips to Subway, and the unfortunate Ebay purchases, and the coffee and scone I had at B & N's quasi-Starbucks today. I need to save for getting a tune-up and inspection for the car and for my trip to Durham, and for my Christmas trip to see Sarah. I know I'll get a Christmas bonus from DQ, but it won't come to more than $80 or so after taxes...


PS Why are my feet cold, even in August? It defies all logic.

The fearsome SNA (Secret Napkin Agent)

So...this copy and paste thing? Yeah. Definitely going to have to be a work in progress, because I'm doing a bit of editing as I go, and I have about 150 entries left to edit, reformat, and repost...

Some of these old entries are just so embarrassing. Only an idiot would post such drivel voluntarily. I guess that makes me doubly idiotic for posting it all twice, huh?

I think I have my profile all straightened out now, although I'm mad that it leaves out some of my favorite music, movies, and books. Oh well.

Also had fun hunting down some of my favorite movies on http://imdb.com. Who knew Myrna Loy was in well over 100 movies? Sheesh.

Work was kind of annoying tonight...too many slackers, not enough write-up forms. I'm kidding about the write-ups (mostly), but grr...these people stand around too much.

Also, I added two more scrapes to my arms (and I already had one from two days ago). I have so many scars from that place...

Me in default mode...shy

So...yet another blog. Well, I guess it was about time for me to strike out on my own. Myspace is so full of semi-illiterate teenagers. And I wanted a real blog...a blog for a grownup. Even though I don't feel like one all that often.

I think I like this new format...it just feels more literate...it makes me want to write about literature and politics instead of music videos and frozen dinners. Not that I ever wrote about music videos. But still...

Okay, I'm done rambling for today. I should be posting all my copied and pasted blog entries from diaryland and myspace tonight. Fun!