Tuesday, August 30, 2005
It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to
So...I'm kinda bitchy at work sometimes. I realize this. I accept this. I'm even learning to embrace my inner bitch, when it motivates other people to get stuff done.
However...T, my best friend at work, just got internet back after a hiatus of several weeks, and after we exchanged the usual pleasantries, he informed me that everyone had noticed a marked upswing in bitchiness on my part...to the point where people look at the schedule and go "oh no, I have to work with her tonight." I am so, so disappointed in myself. How could I be so blind? I know I've been stressed out over Mom and Dad leaving, and being poor, and where I'm going to go for the holidays, and how I'm going to afford to get there and back, especially with gas prices being as high as they are. But still...apparently just about everyone is really annoyed with me, and I need to snap out of it or they're going to actually hate me.
I've been trying so hard to get everything done...trying to keep on top of everything, and earn the employees' respect, as well as management's. But instead...everybody thinks I'm a raving bitch and they ask each other "how's hannah tonight?" There is a BITCH FORECAST, people. ABOUT ME. Do you have any idea how sad and stupid and horrible and cruel and pathetic that makes me feel? I knew I had snapped at a couple people. I knew I hadn't joked around or laughed as much as usual...but...but...dammit, I'm crying, and I should know better than to let it get to me, but I don't really have any emotional reserves right now, and I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone for a week. Actually, I want to drive up and see Sarah and to hell with Dairy Queen and lazy-ass employees and flat tires.
I miss her so much it's like a physical ache sometimes...why does my best friend have to live several hundred miles away? Why do my parents have to be on the other side of the world when I so badly need a shoulder to cry on and a parental kick in the rear about my attitude and a friendly, familiar, non-work-related face when I'm so lonely I want to dial random numbers from the phone book and hope someone will talk to me?
I feel depression coming on...and I don't have access to Prozac this time, so I have to fight it off by myself, before it gets so debilitating that I don't even go to work and I end up homeless. I really, really, have to do something to turn this around. Perhaps I will ask B (my manager) if I can work a couple days a week...that will give me something to get up for. Something to keep me from doing this weird nocturnal thing that seems to be keeping me from accomplishing anything with my life aside from working and doing two loads of laundry a week. This can't continue. I think maybe I will go to bed now, and have a good cry, and try to get up at 1:00 tomorrow. I have to work a dayshift on Wednesday, so I need to start adjusting now.
Sorry to unload all this dreary stuff on everybody...
However...T, my best friend at work, just got internet back after a hiatus of several weeks, and after we exchanged the usual pleasantries, he informed me that everyone had noticed a marked upswing in bitchiness on my part...to the point where people look at the schedule and go "oh no, I have to work with her tonight." I am so, so disappointed in myself. How could I be so blind? I know I've been stressed out over Mom and Dad leaving, and being poor, and where I'm going to go for the holidays, and how I'm going to afford to get there and back, especially with gas prices being as high as they are. But still...apparently just about everyone is really annoyed with me, and I need to snap out of it or they're going to actually hate me.
I've been trying so hard to get everything done...trying to keep on top of everything, and earn the employees' respect, as well as management's. But instead...everybody thinks I'm a raving bitch and they ask each other "how's hannah tonight?" There is a BITCH FORECAST, people. ABOUT ME. Do you have any idea how sad and stupid and horrible and cruel and pathetic that makes me feel? I knew I had snapped at a couple people. I knew I hadn't joked around or laughed as much as usual...but...but...dammit, I'm crying, and I should know better than to let it get to me, but I don't really have any emotional reserves right now, and I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone for a week. Actually, I want to drive up and see Sarah and to hell with Dairy Queen and lazy-ass employees and flat tires.
I miss her so much it's like a physical ache sometimes...why does my best friend have to live several hundred miles away? Why do my parents have to be on the other side of the world when I so badly need a shoulder to cry on and a parental kick in the rear about my attitude and a friendly, familiar, non-work-related face when I'm so lonely I want to dial random numbers from the phone book and hope someone will talk to me?
I feel depression coming on...and I don't have access to Prozac this time, so I have to fight it off by myself, before it gets so debilitating that I don't even go to work and I end up homeless. I really, really, have to do something to turn this around. Perhaps I will ask B (my manager) if I can work a couple days a week...that will give me something to get up for. Something to keep me from doing this weird nocturnal thing that seems to be keeping me from accomplishing anything with my life aside from working and doing two loads of laundry a week. This can't continue. I think maybe I will go to bed now, and have a good cry, and try to get up at 1:00 tomorrow. I have to work a dayshift on Wednesday, so I need to start adjusting now.
Sorry to unload all this dreary stuff on everybody...
