Well technically...

Guilt Trips R Us

2007-05-10T13:54:00.000-05:00

So...I made plans to have dinner with the Whites. And about an hour later, my boss calls, in tears, because the closing manager called off tonight, and she has to close, when she's already been working ridiculous amounts of hours, so she wanted me to come in and work.

She was supposed to be on vacation this week, but with managers being pulled out from under her feet and employees quitting, she decided to only take Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She was only supposed to work 11-5, but she came in early to get some cakes decorated...and now she's stuck there closing. And I feel really bad, because she was obviously really distrought, but...it's my only day off. I have to work all weekend, and I've already worked two 12-hour days this week. I'll have worked between 55 and 60 hours by the end of the week. I have laundry to do. And I deserve to have a life just as much as she does.

She was obviously pissed at me for not calling and canceling my plans to cover for somebody else's sorry ass. I mean, I can understand her being upset, but I don't think she has the right to be mad at me for not wanting to come in on my only day off, even though I told her when I started working there again that I wanted two days off per week. She didn't ask me if it was okay when she wrote the schedule, but I figured it was a one-time deal cause she was going on vacation, and I didn't protest. In fact, I haven't complained about my schedule once, and I hardly ever make requests off. I'm always on time, I come in early or stay late whenever I'm asked, etc., etc. The manager who called off is the one she should be mad at, and I shouldn't need to feel guilty. But I do. Because I always feel guilty.

*sigh*

Sorry to make my first blog in ages a rant, but I really needed to give all my reasons for not feeling guilty so that I'll be able to enjoy my dinner.

Ms Procrastinator

2007-03-19T02:44:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that the longer you put off doing something, the more you don't want to do it? That's what I do about blogging. And I have no idea why, because every time I actually sit down and blog, I have a ridiculous and wildly misplaced feeling of accomplishment, to a degree that would be more appropriate to, say, Tolstoy after completing War and Peace. Does anticipation of this feeling of accomplishment motivate me to blog, as would be logical? God forbid!

Oh well. I do have some news to report: Everything has been sorted out from my car accident. My vehicle is fully drivable, although considerably less aesthetically appealing--I didn't think it could get much worse than hail dents, but apparently I was wrong.

Also, I have started drinking tea--herbal, no less! Not even any caffeine. Of course I still drink Mountain Dew at work, and the occasional Doubleshot to get me through those droopy-eyelid days, but I'm definitely cutting back on caffeine. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be helping my screwy sleep schedule...unless I take sleeping pills, I can't seem to sleep until 3 or 4 am. Sometimes later...I didn't go to sleep until after 7 this morning. I'm getting really tired* of it, but I'm not sure what to do about it. And, of course, I don't have health insurance anymore, so a doctor is not an option. We'll see how Sleepytime Tea does :-)

Also, I have downloaded so much music in the past week, it's almost unbelievable. Some of it sucks. But some of it rocks my socks off--and that's hard to do, considering how easily my feet get cold. Anyway, the pills should be kicking in any minute now, and my tea is done steeping, so I'm going to try and get some sleep. Peace out, homies ;-)

*To show you how tired I am...I didn't even notice this terrible pun until I was getting ready to post this. Is that sad or what?

Guess what?

2007-02-15T16:34:00.000-05:00

I just got into my first car accident. With another driver. And I was at fault. And a cop was right there, so I also got cited for following too closely. And I don't have collision, because my car is officially "totaled." So...I'm going to be paying a pretty hefty amount out-of-pocket. Which I don't have. Seriously, seriously NOT GOOD, people. I am so screwed. Thank God I can walk to work, even if it is just a couple degrees above freezing.

Sorry to not update forever and then dump this on you guys. It just seriously sucks, you know? There goes my tax refund that I was all excited about. Grrr.

Black is for Despair

2006-12-18T08:49:00.000-05:00

Yikes...it really has been a month, hasn't it?

Work has been...still is...completely insane. I worked 42 hrs in three days this weekend. I'm so far beyond over it it's not even funny. I'm sick of picking up other people's slack, I'm sick of not being appreciated for all the stuff I do extra, I'm sick of my GM stringing me along w/ just enough praise and time off that I keep coming back for more abuse.

I realize that this is all very melodramatic and foolish, and when I finally manage to sleep (if I ever do), I will feel rather silly. BUT...I have about had it w/ Wendy's. I talked to Beth about coming back to DQ, and we hammered out all the details, and I hinted pretty strongly that it would be soon, but my manager at Wendy's was rather disarming, and I hate that I can't seem to stand up to her. She just infuriates me sometimes. Why is it that DQ comes pretty easily to me, but Wendy's doesn't? Everything about it seems unnatural, and I can't grasp it. I've hit a wall...nothing's getting any easier. It's really frustrating me. I'm not fast enough, not focused enough, not energetic enough, not organized enough, I don't plan far enough ahead.

So, here are the options: more money & better benefits w/ killer hours, exhaustion, and a deep feeling of complete inadequacy OR less money & fewer benefits w/ betters hours (non-salaried, so I'd be paid for what I work) working for a manager who I know will have my back...but a district manager who doesn't particularly like me.

The thing is...I hate my current job. I got tired of DQ before because they were expecting a lot and giving a little. But they're offering more now, and they never demanded anything like what Wendy's has. I came back from 11 days of vacation on Friday (the first real bright spot I've had in months, most of which I was sick for), and for hours before I had to go in I was so anxious about going back to work that I couldn't eat anything. I almost wanted to throw up. Sad, right?

Even after the ridiculousness of this weekend, I still spent a good hour straightening out the stockroom so the manager I'm so ambivalent about wouldn't have too much work to do w/ inventory this morning. It's like I'm asking for more punishment. Argh.

I hate that I can't just tell her that I'm obviously not cut out for this job, and put in my notice, and just go. I feel so spineless. And I have a feeling that she knows just how close I am, and is betting on me being too weak to just do it. I'm such a sucker. Oh well. That's life, I guess. Wish me luck.

(Surprisingly) Not Dead Yet

2006-10-31T05:09:00.000-05:00

So...in case you were wondering what I've been doing...the short answer is: working a lot. Also, sometimes I sleep and do laundry. The only other thing I've been doing on a regular basis is watching every episode of Buffy: the Vampire Slayer on DVD. I think it took me about 3 1/2 weeks, which is pretty ridiculous, considering that there's 7 seasons to go through. However, freak that I am, I couldn't wait for the next season, and I ended up returning stuff to the video store early, for once.

Also, on Saturday, I worked from 6:30 in the morning to about 4:30 Sunday morning (which was really 5:30--daylight savings), then I drove home, took a shower, changed my uniform, and came right back in. My district manager came in for at about 10:30 so I could go home and sleep, but I still ended up working for close to 30 hours straight. Naturally, I was about fifty kinds of wrecked by the time I got home, and I immediately went to sleep for about 13 hours. Then I woke up, watched some special features from the Lord of the Rings, and slept for about 6 more hours.

Tomorrow, I have to get up at a decent hour, because I have to get my car inspected (stupid of me to leave it till the end of the month, I know). I am not happy about that at all. But I'll live. Also, my back hurts a lot these days. And my hands. Wendy's is not good for me. But...they do owe me a week of vacation sometime soon. And I'm going to take it. I haven't had a vacation in over a year, and I could really use one (or three). Preferably one involving room service and a tall stack of books. But I'd settle for one bumming around my apartment and catching up on housework and errands.

On a random but positive note...I just found out that somebody I've been working with for months is gay. Shocked the hell out of me... little middle-aged Asian guy with some missing teeth. It's a funny world.

The first post in an embarrassingly long time

2006-09-03T00:49:00.000-05:00

It seems like work is sapping all my energy these days, creative or otherwise...sorry guys.

BUT...I did get two weekend (!) days off in a row (!!), and I went to a wedding yesterday. It was a straight wedding attended almost exclusively by conservative Christians, and therefore not as fun as it could have been, what with me being on the lookout for condemnation and all, but it was good to see Jessica so happy with somebody...they're pretty adorable together, and I'm very happy for her, even if it does mean that she's moving to CA.

And why is it that the woman is the one who has to transplant to fit around her husband's job? And no one even questions that? In this case it makes sense, because she doesn't really work much, and he's in the Navy...but still. Even in cases much less clearly defined, the wife is expected to just do whatever she can, and the husband's job is way more important. I resent that. Maybe I shouldn't, because I really can't see myself ever being in such a situation, so it's not any of my business, but still...the feminist in me doesn't like it.

Also, something possessed me to buy some riduculously goth-y black pants with straps and buckles and stuff at Hot Topic today (they were like 60% off). And they were pretty long on me, so then I dragged TC and Alex to the Army/Navy Surplus with me and got the combat boots that I've wanted for years. I love them. I also bought a shoe-polishing kit with which I shined them up...and then proceeded to wear them to Farm Fresh, along with my new pants and a shirt that says "You have beautiful eyes. Can I touch them?" The looks I got...

Anyway. I'm bored with my hair. I was thinking about cutting it really short and bleaching it, but Sarah says I shouldn't, by which I think she means I will look desperate and ridiculous, so maybe I will go with something a bit more subtle, color-wise. I'm just tired of looking young and innocent. And exactly the same as I've always looked. Grr.

Unfortunately, while I was polishing my shoes I got some polish on my jeans. Any suggestions for removing it safely? Cause those are my favorite jeans. (Stupid of me to wear them, I know. I thought a plastic bag and some newspaper would be sufficient protection, but apparently not.)

Also, my parents have arrived safely back in Uganda, but I've only received one status report since their arrival, and I was not able to give a satisfactory accounting of their movements to the twenty-odd people who asked after them at the wedding. I will have to write and demand more information.

So...now that I don't work at DQ anymore, I've finally had a burger from one...because Alex randomly decided to get gas in Newport News...which is right down the street from Norfolk...down the street, and, you know, across the bridge-tunnel and down fifteen miles or so of interstate. To buy $10 worth of gas at $.15 less per gallon. A real bargain, that. Very cost effective. But I digress (don't I always?)...It was pretty decent, as burgers go, but not all that. And not terribly moist or fresh. And it took way too long to get our food...especially considering that there were ridiculous numbers of employees milling around behind the counter and bumping into each other repeatedly. Also, the soda was over-carbonated (or under-syruped. whatever). And the bathrooms were rather oddly labeled (in a hasty scrawl on liberally taped notebook paper) "Men" and "LADY." I'm not sure which lady they were referring to (perhaps a particularly loyal customer, or an arrogant GM?), but I hope she doesn't mind that I washed my hands in her bathroom...

Apologies, again, for the lack of posts. This one was absurdly selective and not at all representative of my activities and frame of mind over the past few months, but I feel like I talk about my job way too much as it is, and I didn't feel like boring you with it, so this is what you get.

Finally...an update

2006-07-22T19:47:00.000-05:00

So...I'm single again. And not sure how I feel about that.

Also...I'm a real manager now. I'm getting my keys and my alarm code on Monday. I open by myself for the first time on Thursday. Not sure how I feel about that, either.

Mostly, though, I just wish that I could get enough sleep and not have my hands hurt all the time.

I'm going to indulge in a movie tonight...I read some surprisingly good reviews of My Super Ex-Girlfriend, so I'm going to see that after I take a shower and change...my Wendy's has AC problems, and I always come home from work feeling sweaty and gross. I did get to order some new uniforms, though, so hopefully these ones will stay tucked in, unlike the current ones, which come out every time I have to reach up/over for something (which I only do about a thousand times a day).

I know I should have more to say after such a long hiatus, but I really don't. I'm tired, and a little cranky. Hope all of you are well.

Overall, less of a trainwreck than I expected

2006-06-17T18:27:00.000-05:00

I was operations leader during lunch today. I would tell you how many differents ways I sucked, but by that time I would be ready to go back in tomorrow morning, and I really need my sleep, since I have not gotten much for the past two nights (3-4 hours).

Everything was very disorganized, and the girl on front register was being retarded, and the girl who was running (assembling orders) for her is easily confused, and the sandwich maker was getting pissed at both of them, and the customers were piling up...it suuuucked. The GM ended up having to make sandwiches herself, send the confused girl out to clean the dining room, let me run one register, and leave the other girl to do her own running. Also, the guy who was supposed to be doing second sandwiches for the front (to move things along faster) had never been the 2nd person before, and was just muddling things up, so I sent him to drop chicken for the grill person, who couldn't seem to keep enough meat up. *sigh* Kinda makes me wonder if I'm cut out for this stuff. Grr.

But...I did get to leave an hour and forty-five minutes early. And I spent several hours at Barnes & Noble. And I got a package from my girlfriend. Which contained a CD. Which had one of the same songs on it as the CD that she received today in a package from me. Cool, huh? And caffeine kept me more alert than I thought it would. I have scary-looking circles under my eyes, though.

Miss Fang says hi

2006-06-16T19:51:00.000-05:00

In case you were wondering, Miss Fang is the name of my sabre-toothed lime on Kingdom of Loathing. She is adorable :-)

It is so, so sad how obsessed I am with KoL right now. I wish they would let me have more adventures per day. Grr. But it helps me take my mind of how much I miss Sarah, and how slow I am at work...I never meet time goals for anything. It makes me feel stupid and cranky. At least I'm staying at the current store for the time being. And it's definitely the best one in my district. Hopefully my District Manager will let me stay there for a good long time.

Sarah has been planning heaps of fun things for us to do together when she moves down here, and I'm already pretty excited about them...it's been forever since I've particpated in planned amusements, and I'm really looking forward to it. And, of course, anything with Sarah is automatically a superfantastic event of + 10,000 fun.

I ran the grill today, so I am pretty dirty. Also tired (I opened). So I'm going to take a shower, eat some junk food, and go to bed and read zines until I fall asleep or Sarah calls me, whichever comes first. Whee!

Changes

2006-06-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

Well, hello, dear readers. Everything in my life seems to be happening at a very frightening rate, and I feel a little left behind, but hopefully now that Granddad's funeral is over and Mom and Dad are back things will go a little more smoothly.

The funeral went okay, except for the minor hitch that the people folding the flag did a pretty terrible job of it, and it ended up taking them about 6 minutes to get it done satisfactorily, during which time everyone had to sit in absolute silence (a few sighs were audible though, especially towards the end of the 6 minutes).

Also, because there are not enough nerdy things in my life (sarcasm!), Sarah got me hooked on this mmorpg called Kingdom of Loathing. I'm a pastamancer :-)

And a girl I grew up with is in India right now, doing missionary work with street kids. That's what she's wanted to do for a long time now, so I'm really happy for her. And another friend of mine is trying to decide whether to do a masters in musicology, or settle for a teaching credential (violin). And I'm working at Wendy's. *sigh*

And speaking of Wendy's, I'm still pretty ambivalent about it. Obviously, the salary and benefits are great, but it's so exhausting that everything else in my life is getting neglected. I already dread going to work. I feel slow and stupid at work, even compared to the slacker teenagers, and I hate that. Oh well. I guess we'll see how it goes, eh?

Phase I Complete...

2006-06-05T16:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I'm done with that whole learning how to be a Wendy's employee thing. Starting tomorrow, I will be learning how to manage. Cool, huh? Also has me a bit nervous, though.

And I am so very, very glad to be away from one particular person at the store I started at...he was just such a jerk. Always making fun of me (or trying to), trying to say that I said things I didn't...just generally making an ass of himself. And, really, he does it to other people, too. But I felt that as a non-fashionable white female (lesbian, too, although I'm really not sure that he knew) I came in for a bit more than my fair share of abuse, and I really didn't want to take it to my manager, because I'm going to have to deal with that kind of stuff, so I might as well get used to it.

I have had some little thoughtlets about writing a fantasy novel for many years but reading Tolkien's essay On Fairy Stories the other night really cemented a bunch of them in my head. I feel a need to have some kind of creative outlet if I'm going to be working at a place that so firmly squelches creativity (mostly for good reason--creativity usually leads to food poisoning in a the restaurant industry). I'd also like to start playing the piano more regularly, but I'm not going to make any impossible resolutions. I just...would like to take better care of myself, mentally and physically, so that I can be more functional at work and happier at home (especially with Sarah), and more fun to be with for my friends and family. I've been pretty edgy and cranky lately, and I don't like that.

It's a little weird to be relating to my parents as a fellow adult. And I get the feeling they still don't think of me as one. But I guess that's par for the course. It really is great to see them again. And hear all about the craziness of Africa in general, and Uganda in particular.

I saw X3 with them on Friday night. It was okay. But I kind of resented the slightly random-seeming character deaths. Although I heard rumors that certain bits of the movie would not be...final. Anyway...I think I have a weird fascination with the comic-based movie genre. I like the Spiderman movies, because they tend to be a cut above, and I'm willing to see Superman Returns just because Kevin Spacey is in it, but I'm not completely undiscriminating...I refuse to see Ghost Rider, solely because it has Carmen Skank-of-the-Universe Electra in it. Well, not solely because of that. Also because it looks kind of cheesy. But, you know, mostly.

I made myself a pretty cool CD today, which I am looking forward to listening to in the car on the way to dinner with Mom and Dad. Is it sad that I get all excited about listening to CDs that I MAKE FOR MYSELF (and thus already know the contents of)? Maybe. Is that gonna stop me? No way :-)

Because things can never be easy...

2006-06-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

I picked Mom and Dad up in DC on Wednesday. Well, it was actually Thursday by the time I got there, due to an unbelievable amount of complications/stupidity (that last bit was all mine).

Because I'm feeling distinctly stupid from lack of sleep, I won't go into all the details right now. But...let's just say that I ended up having to drive very fast in a car that is (apparently) in need of some repairs.

Also, I've just started playing a game called Kingdom of Loathing. Sarah got me started on it (of course), and it's totally addicting. Whoo! If it didn't limit the number of adventures you can go on per day, I would go CRAZY. Like, 24/7 role-play.

But I guess, aside from the parents being back in town, my biggest news is that I'm taking my big tests that I have to score at least 90% on in order to move on to Phase II of my training tomorrow...wish me luck :-)

Too much

2006-05-26T19:29:00.000-05:00

There is just way too much going on in my life right now. A lot of it I won't go into, because it's too close, and too personal still. Let's just say I'm going through a very challenging time in my life, and feeling pretty overwhelmed.

On a lighter note...I'm looking forward to seeing Mom and Dad again on Wednesday. I'm looking forward to getting my insurance cards, so I can go to the doctor and the dentist. I'm looking forward to seeing Sarah again sometime soon. I'm looking foward to finding out where my home store will be (the Wendy's I'll end up staying at). I'm looking forward to taking my ops test and proving that I am not totally incompetent. I'm looking forward to not being in position all the time and not having to work with people who have seen me struggling to do the stuff that they do every day.

Because I know I haven't really written anything lighthearted in a while, I thought I'd throw in a random potpourri of funny/odd Wendy's stories...

There was a customer who came through the drive-thru and I smelled something funny. It turned out to be a stick of incense burning in his ashtray....
A bunch of the male employees have these weird not-quite-vampire fake gold teeth with pointy incisors that they wear on their front four top teeth. It makes them talk funny, and I am quietly amused...One of my coworkers is forever calling everyone either "cousin" (/cuz) or "nephew" (/phew) for reasons that I do not entirely comprehend...
A lady came in and asked for an ice water w/ lemon today. She said it was all she could afford. I said I knew the feeling. She said she didn't think anybody really did. Apparently she's homeless. Doh. Hannah=chagrined/speechless...
A customer ordered 15 jr bacon cheeseburgers in the DT, then got upset when there was a wait (for meat to cook). She wanted to know "what the hold-up was"...
My current manager is pretty religious, and she objects to any profanity/obscenity, no matter how mild, even when customers are nowhere within earshot. One of the employees started complaining about a lame-ass something-or-other and the manager turned to look at her so she immediately changed it to "lame-behind"...
The first day I set up the line by myself (which involves making tea) one of the coworkers with whom I get along pretty well drank some of it, and said "This is good tea, Hannah," and then right when I was getting ready to say thank you, she added, "I didn't think it would be, but it is," and I felt a little deflated...
How is it possible to stand in line for fifteen minutes and still not have given any thought to what you're going to order? It seems ridiculous, but people do it everyday...
Also, why would you order a small fry when a medium is easily twice the size, but only 4 cents more (it's on the 99 cent super value menu)? And it's not like the prices aren't RIGHT UP THERE on the menu board. Duh...

Anyway, enough stupidity for today. Happy weekend, everybody!

Two Words:

2006-05-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

Overwhelmed & Exhausted

Yeah. That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, with Wendy's and Mom and Dad coming back and Granddad and all...

I feel tired all the time. My back aches. My shoulders and neck are incredibly stiff. I spent too much money, so I won't have much for the next three weeks or so. I feel slow and inadequate at almost every position, even though I really am trying my best. I did Pick Up Window register for the first time today. Starting during lunch. It was crazy. There's just too much to do. And it was only my second day on register at all...

Anyway. Bleh. I did buy myself a new watch, because I had lost the old one. And then, about two days later, I found the old one. (Of course.)

And it's looking like I will be able to go up to DC to pick up Mom and Dad. But that means I have to pay for the gas :-( I'll scrape it together, though. I've been spoiling myself a bit since I started at Wendy's.

Sorry about the lack of posts, but considering how frantic and stressed out I've been, i make no promises.

Decisions, decisions

2006-05-14T16:58:00.000-05:00

So, a lot has happened since I blogged last. I've actually been a little overwhelmed by it all. But I felt the urge to try and write about it today.

My grandfather has been sick for a while now, and he passed away on Monday after several weeks in the hospital precipitated by broken ribs, which caused pneumonia, and then eventually sepsis set in.

I still haven't really dealt with that, because I've been trying to cope with learning a vast amount of information and procedures at Wendy's--much of it pretty physically strenuous. And a lot of the time I don't really get a break at any point in my 10+ hour day. Part of it is because I don't really ask, because I don't want to look weak (it's that stubborn butch thing). But also, everyone is so busy they don't always have time to look after me, and that kind of sucks. Opening sucks too, cause you have to be there at 6:30, and I am SO not a morning person.

Anyway, Sarah came down to see me for a couple days--I couldn't have asked for a nicer surprise. It was fun and sweet and awesome and just generally pretty perfect, and now she's gone again and it feels like there's a gaping chasm in my life where she should be.

So it seems pretty logical that, now I'm not stuck taking care of Granddad, I can move to where Sarah lives, and while she won't be able to live with me 100% of the time, because she has to take care of her grandmother, we'll be together a lot, and she's pretty sure finding a job and an apartment won't be too much trouble. But suddenly I'm a little nervous. I hadn't really expected to be moving so soon...I kind of thought that we'd at least have the year we agreed on where nobody would move to be with anybody else. And I'm doing that irrational thing where you're scared of what you want. I'm scared of leaving behind everything I grew up with (although, really, I don't have any close friends here anymore).

I'm scared of making such a huge change in my life. I'm scared that my parents will hate Sarah and be mad at me for leaving. I'm scared that I will be paranoid and neurotic and unable to make friends in Tazewell, and I will be a burden to Sarah--one more helpless person to look after. I'm scared that I'll be clingy and desperate and she'll hate it and not be able to tell me. I'm scared that I'll feel like an outsider the entire time I'm there. I'm scared that all her friends will think I'm not worthy of her, or that I'm not cool enough. I'm scared that...well, I won't continue in this vein. I'm sure you get the idea. And I know it's stupid and irrational, and that I should be overjoyed we're not being kept apart by circumstances anymore. And I have a great reason to leave Wendy's, which I can already tell will probably make me miserable if I stick around for very long. And I can't wait to be able to have dinner with her and spend the night with her and sit around watching movies with her and drive around being goofy with her on a regular basis. I'm just...I don't know. Being hormonal and contrary, I guess. Suddenly I feel very childish, and worry that I'll get on her nerves. As soon as I actually start my period, I'll probably be eager to pack up and get out of my craptacular apartment in a noisy, not-too-nice part of town and move somewhere where they have more in the way of trees and grass and mountains and people who hold doors for you and less in the way of concrete and gunshots and heavy traffic and people who throw lit cigarettes at you. And the rent will be cheaper, and I'm sure Sarah's friends will be fun and welcoming, and I will maybe be able to have a desk job again, and not come home from work drained and sweaty and aching and smelling of grease anymore.

I hate being so wildly emotional. And I hate being that woman who blames it on PMS. I really do. But...wow, I'm just so all over the place today. Yesterday I was trying to run the grill for the first time and I was all like "I hate Wendy's! I don't care anymore. I'm driving to Tazewell right now." And I wanted to rip off my apron and get the hell out of Dodge. Anything to see Sarah again. I almost cried, right there in front of the entire crew and a bunch of customers.

No matter how much time I get to spend with her, it's never enough. She never ceases to amuse/amaze/delight/surprise me in the best ways possible. And now she thinks I'm all commitment-phobic because I was all waffly on the phone. And, well, yeah, I'm kinda young to be making this decision. And I think my parents and the folks from IPC will probably point that out. And it is a little scary. But...I've known Sarah for over three years now. And I've been in love with her for most of that time. Even while I was not admitting to it. And I'm completely miserable without her in my life. I think everything about her is perfect, and I talk about her all the time. I can't wait to grow old with her. I can't wait to do everything I didn't do before, and buy her things, just because, and be able to bring her flowers instead of just e-mailing her.

You know, I really should blog more often. It helps me sort my emotions out, and considering how roller-coaster-y they've been for the last few weeks, it would have been a good idea to do this sooner and more often. So, uh, thanks for listening, guys. Sorry about the lack of posts.

2006-04-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

My brand new kinda butch haircut. Please tell me it's cute, cause it cost more than I really should have spent :-)

Lots of stuff

2006-04-28T20:41:00.000-05:00

So, I know I haven't posted in, like, 15 million gajillion years. But there have been reasons. Let me tell you about some of the stuff going on in my life right now:

1. My grandfather is in the hospital w/ pneumonia and broken ribs and assorted other problems associated w/ old age. I've been trying to see him pretty much every day since he was admitted (Saturday).

2. I'm starting at Wendy's on Monday morning--at 9 am, and of course I got scheduled to close at DQ the night before, so my ass will be DRAGGING, but I'll be there. *sigh*

3. My parents are supposed to be coming home in June, but they might have to come home early if something happens to Granddad. Cross your fingers for us, okay?

4. I've been reading this book: Who Wrote the New Testament?. Fascinating stuff. Apparently Pual's epistles (not all of which were written by Paul) were the first parts of the new testament to be written....not that you care, but, well, I found it interesting.

Also, I got a lovely package from my girlfriend today. And I have cramps. And I had dinner with a family friend who used to be a neighbor--that was pretty cool.

And you remember that girl who was gonna move in with me, only she didn't, and I hadn't heard from her in, like, two months? Yeah, she called me, drunk as hell, all "let's be friends again, now that me and my (asshole) husband aren't getting along so well." Bitch. I think I might let her be my friend again, but she's gonna have to get me some chocolate, and buy me at least one nice dinner. And maybe a movie or something. I mean, seriously. That's just a shitty thing to do to somebody. Oh well...

Okay, now for some ice cream sandwiches (the best known cure for period-related crankiness :-D).

Whoo!

2006-04-07T00:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know that I am an evil, bad, no-good Hannah for not blogging sooner.

HOWEVER: I don't care.

BECAUSE: I almost definitely have a job at Wendy's (just waiting on the background check, and I can't imagine that it will cause any problems) paying about 40% more than what I make now. Pretty awesome, right? Yeah. I think so too. Let's look at the cost/benefit analysis, shall we?

Wendy's pluses:

Way more money.
Much better benefits (and I will make enough that I can afford the health insurance)
Two days off per week
Personal days
Tuition reimbursement
Bonus plan
More growth potential
Better training
Big company, therefore more rules for how to do things and less fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants-and-hope-they-don't-rip

and minuses:

50 hours a week (5 10-hour days)
Will have to go in at 6:30 am sometimes (and come home at 4 am sometimes)
Might have some ghetto co-workers (but hey, that's fast food, right?)
The work will probably be steadier and harder (but will also keep me from being bored)

I think we can safely say that the pluses have it.

Other things:

I decorated a bunch of cakes tonight. For some reason, everybody wanted to order cakes for Saturday. And a former coworker of mine, one of my favorites, is coming back to DQ. So, for the 3 1/2 weeks until the next Wendy's training class, I will get to work with her again. And after I leave I can be friends with the employees who I can't be friends with now (favoritism, etc. etc.).

In completely unrelated news: I bought D.E.B.S. on Ebay. It is cheesy and silly and fluffy and the most fun I have had in months. Seriously. The cutest movie I have seen in a really long time. And, while the plot was not really intended to be believable, the chemistry totally was. They were adorable together. Because I needed another reason to miss my (even more adorable) girlfriend. *sigh* Oh well.

More on Wendy's as soon as I have definite word from them.

*does happy nerd dance*

Be careful...there's some scary people out there (like me)

2006-03-21T00:47:00.000-05:00

Your Monster Profile

Basilisk Slayer
You Feast On: Snow Cones
You Lurk Around In: Wal-mart
You Especially Like to Torment: Hipsters

What's" Your Monster Name?

So...there's this homeless guy who I gave a couple dollars to a while back...and apparently he thinks we're best friends now. So he was up at DQ tonight, trying to get more money from me. And I made it pretty clear that he wasn't going to get any out of me. So then he spent about half an hour telling me about how all Hispanic people hate white Americans, and how his family screwed him over, and he always helped people when he had money, but now that he doesn't have any, nobody will help him, and the world is full of horrible, rotten, stinking people (his words, not mine), and his entire body is messed up, and the Social Security people take forever to replace checks, and there's a big difference between a woman and a lady, and all fornicators are going to hell. Among other things.

And I really, really want the job at Wendy's. They have an awesome benefits package. And I really need out of Dairy Queen. Really, really. Like, you have no idea. Grr.

Overall, a pretty decent day

2006-03-13T23:41:00.000-05:00

So...one of my new coworkers is a drag queen. That's pretty cool.

Not so cool: we're pretty sure somebody is stealing, but we haven't been able to catch them. It's getting really annoying.

Also, we were ridiculously busy this past weekend. Seriously. It was in the 80's all weekend. 80's! In March! Something is wrong with that.

Anyway, sales for last week were up 55% from last year. Wheee. Which means we've been running around like crazy people. Not that I'm saying we're NOT crazy. Cause, well, I'd be lying. But the pace at which we ambulate like the crazy people we are is usually slower. Or whatever. You get what I'm trying to say, right? Even if I am offering further (unnecessary) proof of my craziness with that weird little explanation.

OKAY. Moving on...I have another interview with Wendy's on Friday. And I will NOT cancel this one. I can't. I will have to either get my suit dry-cleaned or buy a blazer to go with my black pants. I haven't had many job interviews, and I'm a bit nervous. Any advice for me? So far, I have: be five-ten minutes early, dress & act professionally, don't babble, ask intelligent questions, demonstrate knowledge of the company, don't confess to any shortcomings except perhaps a slight tendency to workaholism, make eye contact, sit forward in your chair, don't cross your arms, don't badmouth your current job, make the most of your responsibilities.

I'm a big kid now...

2006-03-12T17:58:00.000-05:00

...and I guess it's time to start acting like one. I have some serious avoidance issues, I think. And some plain old laziness issues. It's time for me to deal.

So...I'm going to come up with a plan. A doable plan. And follow it. Bam. Simple as that.

The plan should include, but will not be limited to:

Keeping my apartment looking decent. Not perfect, but at least decent.
Playing the piano a couple times a week.
Blogging daily, or as close as possible.
Writing at least once or twice a week, preferably more.
Filling out a FAFSA.
Not feeling sorry for myself.

Sound good? Yeah. It does to me, too. I mean, obviously I'm going to fuck up. It happens. But I'm at least going to try, which is, to be honest, rather more than I've been doing. Wish me luck.

A good old random Hannah ramble...

2006-03-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry about yesterday's entry, guys. That's what happens when you're sick and depressed and stressed out and feeling much sorrier for yourself than you deserve because really, except for the sick part, you pretty much brought it all on yourself, and then you have a fight because you haven't been keeping up with your obligations, and you feel like the biggest piece of shit ever and blog quickly before you can think better of it.

But then I went to bed (at 10:00! do you know how long it's been since I went to bed that early?) and slept until 6:00, when I woke up because it was much too hot and I couldn't breathe very well and I was unbearably thirsty. So I got up, re-medicated, drank an entire bottle of water, turned on the AC (in March! what a wuss I am...) and went back to sleep after tossing and turning for a while because it was still kind of hot. When my alarm went off at noon, I was cold (naturally), but feeling a little more like myself.

Do you realize that today is officially the 7-day mark in my...well, whatever this thing is that makes me cough and blow my nose a lot? I've been sick for a whole week! And it's not over yet! Grr. And I'm not even counting the two or three days when I was feeling vaguely sick, but had no symptoms to show for it. Well, I have them now. I coughed so hard yesterday that several times I came close to throwing up. Also, some blood came out of my nose last night along with the usual half-gallon of mucus. And my appetite is nowhere close to normal. Not that any of you really had a burning desire to know these things. BUT, I felt like telling you, so just pretend, okay?

I don't seem to be capable of forcing myself to write (fiction) when I don't feel like it. In someone who would like to eventually have a career that will involve writing things, that is not a very promising trait. I think that trying to blog every day would be a good way to work on that. Also, I'm thinking of finally trying my hand at fanfiction. There are some Faith/Buffy ideas I've been mulling over for a long time (couple years, actually), and I think that starting a story and writing something on it every day would be good for me, too. I don't know that I'll be able to. But at least if I don't quite manage the daily thing, it will be good practice, and I will only be letting myself down, and not other people. I really am ridiculously whiny and undisciplined, and I'm getting on my own nerves. Time to fish or cut bait, I guess.

DQ is making me miserable. I can't work there any longer with the situation as it is. I think I'm going to wait till I have an offer from someone else, then show it to DQ, and if they don't come up with something better, I'm going to leave. Finally. Two years is plenty long for them to have realized my potential and done something about it, but that hasn't happened, and probably won't, so I need to move on. Before I make everyone else as miserable as I have been.

Also, someone who I knew when I was middle-school aged (but not yet in public school) found me on Myspace the other day. We went to church together. And now she lives in Texas and is gay too, and that makes me happy.

Things that I am currently feeling:

2006-03-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

Exhausted
Angry
Bitter
Useless
Petty
Nauseated (literally)
Ashamed
Conflicted
Dizzy
Clueless
Disillusioned
Un-Hannah-like

Shitty

Still sick, still tired, still going to work...

2006-03-05T23:50:00.000-05:00

Yeah. I had to go back to work tonight. Fortunately, I got my shift cut down from 6 hours to 4, so it wasn't too bad, but I'm still a little worn out.

In the past two days, I have watched one movie (Monty Python and the Holy Grail), and read four and a half books. Sad, huh? I've also consumed a box and a half of Girl Scout Cookies and most of a bag of potato chips (and one or two slightly healthier things).

I finally have some idea of where I want to go with the next chapter of the novel Sarah and I are writing. Nothing has been coming to me, and it's been kind of frustrating (for Sarah, too, I know, although she hasn't said much), but I was thinking about it in the shower to take my mind off the entire junior high school band marching through my head all playing fortissimo in different keys and BAM I got ideas for several different chapters, but I know that I'm too tired to really do justice to them at the moment. Also, I got saddled with preparing a detailed closing checklist for DQ, and it has to been done by 1 o'clock tomorrow, so all my energy will go to that.

*sigh*

Have I mentioned how much it sucked to go to work sick? Sudafed and Mountain Dew helped, but damn...I really wish we had more flexible schedules. Grr.

It's weird how I feel more inspired to write when I'm sick. I go through phases or something...

Anyway, I'm trying to post more regularly. Aren't you proud of me? *vbg*

Sick and tired...

2006-03-04T14:32:00.000-05:00

So...this nagging "I think I'm gonna be sick" feeling I've had for the past few days has finally come to fruition...I am, actually, sick now. And of course the cramps had to set in on the same day.

It means that I can't go see Granddad, who is depressingly lacking in togetherness. He keeps thinking that taxes are due March 15th instead of April, and worrying like crazy about getting them done. I tried to tell him that if he could just get all his tax-related papers together the guy who does Mr. W's taxes can do his, and he won't even have to go anywhere, but it's so hard to explain anything to him these days. My mom helped him with his taxes last year (and by helped I mean basically did them for him) and it took her days and days... I'm not going to get roped into that, and I don't know enough about it to have a prayer of doing them right.

Anyway, while I was going through his papers looking for 1099's I found about $2600 worth of uncashed dividend checks (some from as far back as November) just sitting around on his desk...very discouraging. And the worst part is, he didn't tell me he needed me to take anything to the bank, so it didn't really occur to me, although I would have been happy to go. I went yesterday, of course, because you can't have thousands of dollars in checks just sitting around. But I won't be able to go back and look for more until I've recovered, of course, because when you're 89 any illnesses are serious, even coughs and colds.

Since I can't afford to take any time off work, I've decided to pamper myself today and tomorrow (I'm off until 5 pm tomorrow) in the hopes that I'll get better faster. With that in mind, I have stocked up on all the things a sick person needs:

sleep
chicken soup
ginger ale (Canada dry, of course)
vitamins
cough drops
Sudafed
large quantities of light fiction (courtesy of the library)
Girl Scout cookies
chocolate pudding

I realize that those last two items are not, strictly speaking, things that I need, but I'm sick, dammit, and it's a great excuse to eat sweets. Also, chocolate helps cramps ;-)

The job search continues...

2006-03-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

WELL...I have an interview tomorrow. With someone at Aramark. Which is, apparently, a pretty great company to work for (according to Forbes magazine). And I'll probably have an interview with Wendy's sometime next week...

People actually seem fairly eager to hire me. Who would have guessed? I kinda figured I'd have to sell myself a little more, but they both contacted me.

Now all I have to worry about is what to wear (heavy sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell). Grr. I hate trying to look straight, or at least ambiguous. I have that green pantsuit, which I guess I could wear, but it would really look better with brown shoes than with black, and my only brown shoes of sufficient dressiness are heels which I do not walk particularly well in...*sigh*

Also, I ended up agreeing to a 9:30 appointment way out in the sticks in Virginia Beach, so I'll have to leave here by 8:50 or so. And I was really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. Oh well. You do what you gotta do, I guess.

Guess what? I AM NOT DEAD!

2006-02-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

Yes! It's true. Contrary to popular rumor, I am not, in fact, deceased, merely busy, tired, and/or lazy. Not necessarily in that order. Some restrictions may apply, please see store for details.

Er, as I was saying...I humbly apologize for not posting in the past two weeks (!), but I have had a lot going on. Here is some of it:

Inexplicable sleeping problems and some very strange dreams.
Lack of money.
Really strange schedule.
Reappearance of a piano in my life (yay!)
Inability to play said piano as well as I used to, but getting better with practice. Found the metronome that I will eventually get. *sigh* It's just so beautiful...
Fight with girlfriend over me not looking for a better job so I can go up and see her sometimes.
Subsequent signup with monster.com (last night).
Message from rather eager recruiter who found my resume early this morning
Discussion with recruiter this afternoon, who will call me back at 10 am on Thursday to discuss specific companies and "get the ball rolling" (!!)
Excited and nervous and wishing it was Thursday :-)

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated

2006-02-11T01:09:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not dead. Just busy and tired and sick of Dairy Queen and itchy and distracted and broke. That's all.

Sorry for the lack of posts. In my defense, I would like to point out that I have rated many, many songs, albums, and artists on Launchcast this week and devoted hours and hours to creating Sarah's Valentine's presents, which I mailed off today.

I also took my grandfather his toilet paper and tissues and Tums yesterday and worked several hours of overtime (this week and last week) and got (wrongfully) accused of favoritism at work. I'm still pretty pissed about that one.

I am so, so tired. My back is killing me. My feet hurt, and my eyes ache. I got called in two hours early today, and I was already supposed to work a seven-hour shift. So I worked about nine instead, and I didn't get a chance to do my laundry, because I was going to do it before I went to work, so now I have to do it tomorrow. And I barely ate anything all day so now I'm starving and I think I might go to Wendy's (way to stick to my diet, right?).

Sarah was very sweet and bought me some books from Amazon.com for Valentine's Day, but I already had two of the three (because apparently we're cursed like that), so I'm going to return them and get a used copy of the second season of The L Word instead, because I really, really want to see it and I'm sick of getting tantalizing little hints at what's going on. I want to KNOW. Grr.

Also, I have a fair amount of tidying and cleaning to do this weekend, because (as far as I know) Shannon is moving in on Monday or Tuesday.

I can't tell you what it is until she gets it, but I can tell you guys that Sarah's Valentine's Day present is pretty awesome. I put a LOT of work into it, and I really, really hope she likes it, because otherwise I will be totally crushed. I don't know how much I would like it if she gave it to me, but it's not really her style, so I guess that's kind of immaterial...it is, at least, very DIY, which is something she's into. And I should probably stop second-guessing myself, since I have, after all, already mailed it. Right? Right.

Okay, time for Wendy's. Goodnight, all.

Grr

2006-02-05T00:43:00.000-05:00

So...work was crazy busy tonight. I'm pretty exhausted, now that the adrenaline has worn off.

Also, I wrote quite a bit on our novel yesterday, and I thought I saved it as a draft, but apparently I only saved about a third of it. SO, I will have to re-write the other two-thirds from memory as best I can and then finish it, and I'm just not feeling up to it right now.

Also, LL (the lesbian at work) is coming to my church tomorrow, so I'm going to have to come up with a way not to sit next to her. I'll either have to be really early and sit with people I know or really late and sit in the back row. Or something. And then I'm going to talk to Sarah while she's on her lunch break and then I'm going to have lunch with Shannon, and then I'm going to take my grandfather the stuff I got for him at the store, and then maybe I'll have a chance to breathe for what feels like the first time this week.

PS Did I mention that I have my period right now and it sucks? And I itch, and that sucks too? Grr.

Randomness, in bullet-points because I'm tired

2006-02-03T00:45:00.000-05:00

Things that suck:

My rent is now $30 more per month.
I owe about $265 worth of taxes, even though I don't make very much money.
I am pretty exhausted. I hate closing and then opening. And then closing the next day and opening the next morning (=Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for me this week).
I have to change grease tomorrow morning. It's gonna be gross.
I might have to borrow money from someone just in order to get by. Or else ask my grandfather for money, which would be awkward and embarrassing, especially since he's so deaf and I'd have to ask him about six times.
I haven't really noticed much progress with my vague kind-of-diet (one soda/unhealthy drink per day, dessert three times a week, and I try to eat more vegetables and not as much meat).
I can't talk to my manager about my financial situation because she's out for a whole month recovering from surgery.
My apartment is a wreck and I need to get it cleaned up before Shannon moves in.
Yesterday was one of the longest days I've had in quite a while (almost twelve hours on my feet without a break). I felt completely wrung out by the time I got home.
Amazingly, I have NOT won anything in the Subway Fresh Resolutions instant win game. How unfair is that?
My pastors are moving to Texas to be closer to their family. I completely understand their reasons, but it still sucks for those of us who are left here.
I had to tell the new lesbian at work that we can't be friends because I'm an assistant manager and she's a crew member. She didn't really get that whole fraternization concept, apparently. And she's pretty clueless about GLBT history, culture, and politics. AND she's getting ready to go into the Coast Guard. Because we all know how much Uncle Sam loves gay people.

Things that don't suck:

I got a package from Sarah today with two CDs in it. Yay!
I'm supposed to have dinner with a couple I know from church tomorrow night.
And lunch with Shannon on Sunday.
And coffee with Mrs. W. next week.
LAUNCHcast is possibly the coolest thing ever and I am so addicted. Seriously. I sit at my computer for hours playing solitaire or doing something equally useless while I rate songs (and comedy) obssessively. Right now, for example, the fabulous entity that is LAUNCHcast is playing Seasons of Love from the original cast recording of Rent. Right after John Mayer. Right after Tom Lehrer. It just doesn't get much better than that.
Apparently I know several people who would be willing to loan me money. I don't know if I will need to accept any gifts or loans, but it's nice that people care enough to be willing to loan me money.
I have the best girlfriend ever in the history of the world. Really. She is cute and funny and smart and witty and knowledgeable and cool and fun and brave and just generally awesome.
I have DSL now. It rocks my world.
I finally blogged, so Sarah will have to stop nagging me for at least a day or two. Plus my entry was at least twice as long as hers. Ha!
(kidding)
(mostly, anyway)

Uh...what?

2006-01-25T23:05:00.000-05:00

So...Shannon just called to inform me that she may be staying with me for a while (reason and length of stay omitted). She will call me again tomorrow when she gets off work. She said not to worry about cleaning up, but clearly I need to worry about it, because as it is there is nowhere for her to sleep or keep her stuff (or walk).

This is all very mysterious and a bit alarming. Not really sure what's going on, but wow...it has to be pretty serious. Geez.

Sorry to not blog for like a week and then come out with something like that, but damn. I mean, wow.

Wha?

PS DSL and LAUNCHcast rock my world.

PPS I owe the government money. I am NOT happy about that (or, really, prepared to pay them).

I hate heart cakes

2006-01-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

I don't, actually. They're kinda cool. I just hate that I'm going to have to make 140 of them in about a week (while still attempting to get my regular work done).

Also, I'm kinda crabby cause I have this itch that won't go away, and it's driving me crazy. And I keep worrying about stupid stuff. And being cranky to my girlfriend, who totally doesn't deserve it, and clearly has enough crap of her own to deal with. And I forgot/never knew my grandfather's birthday. And I feel fat and unattractive and insecure and a zillion other kinds of miserable, and I don't even know why. I just do. Grr.

There doesn't seem to be anything I really want to do. I don't have any of my usual urges to blog or read or listen to music or anything. I went to see The Family Stone today, which I'd been looking forward to, but it wasn't quite what I was expecting, and I was unreasonably disappointed for that reason, but mostly because Sarah wasn't there to watch it with me.

I did get 100 CD-Rs for $15 at Planet Music, though. That made me pretty happy. And I got my mom's book copied onto a CD with a minimum of hassle and found my dad a book on networking (apparently their network is being difficult).

I also switched to a new phone plan that includes unlimited long distance so I don't have to buy phone card minutes all the time to talk to Sarah (yay!). And I wrote a pretty decent-sized chapter in our book. Whoo! It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was having writer's block, and I was worried that I would sit and stare at the screen and nothing would come, but somehow it just sort of flowed after I got the first sentence and checked a few facts from the earlier chapters.

Wow! An update!

2006-01-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time, hasn't it? Yeah. Sorry about that.

I've been rather sick, and singularly unmotivated to blog. Sarah's grandmother has encephalitis, which has me worried, obviously. And neither of us is going to be able to make the trek to see the other anytime soon, so we're both pretty miserable about that.

On a positive note, I will be getting more hours at work, because Mr. Oblivious (our manager trainee) will be leaving us a week from this Sunday. That means I will be the sole cake-decorator once again. It also means there will only be three managers again (one general, two assistants), so there will be more hours for everyone. Perhaps more than I will actually want. I may be working some 11-8's and some split-shifts. Those both suck, because they eat up your whole day. And the splits really suck, because they keep you from getting any sleep. But I need the money, so I'm not going to protest too much.

Also, I watched Super Size Me the other day, and it inspired me to eat a little healthier. I'm trying to limit myself to one soda/sugary drink per day and dessert three times a week. I'm also trying to eat DQ less and Subway more. I find that it's tolerably affordable if I get a footlong and make two meals of it. Drinking water most of the time isn't as hard as I thought it would be.

I'm planning on going to see Brokeback Mountain today. I may also have to go in to make some cakes and do the airbrushing for the two Decoset cakes I have due on Saturday, because I know I won't possibly be able to do ALL of that on Friday night. That kind of sucks, because I was supposed to be off today, and I don't have another day off until next Sunday, but I could definitely use the hours, so I won't say no. How could I? It's not like there's anyone else who can do it.

Okay, I need to go and find out what time Brokeback Mountain is playing today. Here ends the first update in over a week (sorry!).

Better late than unwritten, right?

2006-01-04T01:59:00.000-05:00

SO...Sarah's grandmother is sick. In a baffling and highly mysterious fashion. Four hundred miles away from here. And I can't go, because I have to work. And Sarah probably does too, I would imagine. All I can do is pray and worry. And we can't even spend hours on the phone, because hospital = no cell phone. So I watched three movies in a row (plus some deleted scenes and audio commentary) starting as soon as I got home from work tonight so I wouldn't have to think about how worried I am.

But I just can't make myself watch another movie. I had to force myself to pay attention to the ones that I watched. Even though they were all movies I really wanted to see. So now I'm just sitting and worrying and wondering and waiting. I carry the phone with me every time I go from room to room in case she calls me. I try to distract myself with anything available, but nothing works for very long. It's excruciating.

There's also, I'm ashamed to admit, a part of me that is very selfishly upset that this means Sarah's plans to come and see me next week (which have already been put off twice) will probably be put on hold indefinitely now, because apparently there are no other family members who care enough to look after her grandmother, and also how much of a jerk would I have to be to ask her to leave her in the hospital like that? I feel like several thousand varieties of shit for even thinking that right now. But I was really looking forward to seeing her. I haven't talked about anything else for days. I even started cleaning and organizing. And now I'm all "What's the use? I'm never gonna get to see her anyway. Might as well wallow in my mud puddle/apartment." All my coworkers are going to think I'm making her up.

Mostly, though, I'm just really concerned for everyone, but especially for Sarah. Her grandmother is a pretty tough old lady. I think she'll pull through just fine. I refuse to contemplate any other possibility. But I know the suspense and the worry and the lack of information are killing Sarah, and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it. I'm four hundred miles away, picking at my hands and pacing the floor and just generally being irritable and impossible to be around. I've never heard her sound so completely freaked out and unsure of what to do. It scares me a little, but mostly it just makes me want to wrap her in my arms and stroke her hair and tell her everything will be okay and help her make decisions and just be there for her to lean on. Why does Virginia have to be such a long state? Grr.

I had one of those spiritual connection moments last night. The ones where you really know there's a God and you pray a lot (but mostly the same things over and over) and you cry so much you think you'll never cry again and you make all kinds of unrealistic promises and weird little bargains, even though you know that God is not the bargaining sort.

Why does this stuff always happen? Why can nothing be simple and straightforward and happy-ending? Why do we have to be so far apart? Why do I have a sucky job? Why would God let such a wonderful person get sick like this? I don't understand. And I'm scared. And I want it all to go away. But mostly I just wish we were together. Everything makes more sense that way. But even if it didn't, I wouldn't care, because when we're together nothing else matters.

Christmas and other assorted holiday events

2005-12-27T12:18:00.000-05:00

SO...

Christmas with my girlfriend was a lot of fun. Probably more fun than is strictly legal. But saying goodbye was a hard enough punishment to make up for it, I'm guessing, even though we will see each other again in a week or two (yay!).

I had not gotten more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night for several days even before I left to make the 400 mile drive. And I slept in a different bed each night I was there. And had trouble sleeping each time. Cause, you know, that thing with strange beds. Also, I'm a bit of an insomniac anyway. So I drove up Friday night, and only got ridiculously lost two or three times, and couldn't find any payphones, so I couldn't call and explain my not arriving when I said I would. And we spent two completely blissful days together, and I was witness to the ugliest clock/picture of Jesus in the history of mankind, and then I drove back Monday morning. It was snowing. That is a little strange to me. Also, there was a rooster crowing. Sarah called me a city mouse because I had never heard one before (completely true, by the way--I am a total city mouse). When I got back to Norfolk eight shoulder-stiffening hours later, it was probably in the mid-fifties. And pretty sunny. It kind of made me feel like I was in a different world. A vastly inferior one, of course, due to the lack of Sarah.

Sarah's grandmother is possibly the cutest old lady ever. Just ridiculously sweet and adorable. And she has some weird relatives (who doesn't?), but also some who are nice enough to make up for the rest.

When I got back, I was completely exhausted, naturally, and jittery from caffeine and lack of sleep. I took a fifty-minute nap, and then I got up to go to work, feeling totally out of it and a little sick. Oh, and apparently my toilet overflowed while I was gone, without any "input" from me, the only evidence being the soaking wet and rather stinky bathmat.

By the time I got to work, I was feeling distinctly nauseous. My head was quite hot to the touch, most of my skin was pale but my cheeks were bright red, I had a feeling that I was going to throw up any minute, I was dizzy and disoriented, I had some pretty unpleasant diarrhea...yeah. Not feeling too good, in other words.

I felt like somebody else was walking around in my body and doing things, and I was just watching. So I got the other assistant to close for me and an employee to come in early, and I drove home. Without any mishaps, astonishingly enough. As soon as I lay down, I started feeling better. By the time the very kind friend who I had begged to come over and deal with my bathroom for me arrived I was not quite okay, but well enough to feel embarrassed about the disgusting state of my apartment (especially since her husband came with her) and my lack of apparent sickness. So I just stood around and tried to act pathetic. I think I was fairly successful, mostly due to my state of exhaustion.

OF COURSE, after the nap I had taken earlier, I had not a chance of getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. So I read The Snow Garden and talked to Sarah for a little over two hours (not nearly long enough) and eventually I slept. Well. For the first time in days. That was pretty awesome. But Sarah's cell phone is non-functional right now, and that makes me sad, because it means she will not call and leave me cute rambling messages while she's on break. It also means that there's no way I can hear her voice until we're both off work pretty late tonight. Is it sad that that makes me feel slightly panicky? That she was the first person I wanted to call when I was feeling sick? That I wanted nothing more than for her to be there to rub my back and tell me it would all be okay?

I am not a big fan of winding country roads with no guardrails and no streetlights. Especially at night. And by "not a big fan" I mean that they scare the crap out of me. But I would be willing to drive them every day, even in the snow, if it meant that we could live together. How in love am I? Leaving was just about the hardest thing I've ever done. Even though I knew it was not even semi-permanent. I felt like you might feel if somebody ripped your arm (the one with your writing hand) out of the socket and told you that you could have it back every now and then, but only for a few days at a time. And you would just have to deal with the bloody shoulder on your own. Obviously, there was no heartless Jack-the-ripper guy in evidence, but it was pretty devastating to have to drive away when she was right there. I started to miss her before I even left, and by the time I got home it was pretty acute.

I am forced to conclude that the bizarre and shortlived sickness was a result of too much caffeine, lack of sleep, and stress. Although missing Sarah was probably a contributing factor too. She told me to call every time I stopped, which I did pretty dutifully, but every time I called her cell phone I got a busy signal. At first it made me mad, because I thought she was talking to someone else instead of waiting for me to call (and I timed my calls pretty careful to coincide with her breaks). Then I started to think maybe something had happened to her phone. Maybe something happened to her. Cause, yeah, paranoid like that. Apparently Sprint is just being stupid, though. But not being able to reach her made me really anxious. How pathetic am I?

Okay, so I will go dig out my backup bathmat now, and have a shower, and go do some laundry. But all I really want to do is wrap Sarah up in my arms and never let her go. And I don't even care that that is just about the most hackneyed thing I've ever written. Just. Don't. Care.

Music, Christmas, girlfriend: good stuff

2005-12-21T01:01:00.000-05:00

I wrote this part last night:

So...I went Christmas shopping tonight. For a pretty different set of people than the ones I was planning on shopping for. Because, yeah, last minute change of Christmas plans. The branch of the family I was planning on spending the holiday with has had a veritable plague of health problems, sooooo...I am spending it with Sarah instead. And you have NO idea how happy that makes me. Like, snowbells and sleighbells and whiskers on kittens and snow on eyelashes and warm woolen mittens, or however that song goes. Happy enough that I do not care that I just admitted to knowing lyrics (however mangled) from The Sound of Music. And if THAT doesn't knock your socks off, how about this: I am so happy that I will freely admit to harboring a not-so-secret fondness for The Sound of Music. I even have the soundtrack. That is a LOT of happy, folks.

I went Christmas shopping tonight. Mostly for Sarah. But also for me. Because I am that shameless. Also, I have some extra money, although not anymore, thanks to my Planet Music spree. Here is what I bought:

Darkest Days Stabbing Westward
Dimanche a Bamako Amadou & Mariam
Dreaming Wide Awake Lizz Wright
Let It Die Feist
Plans Death Cab for Cutie
Silent Alarm Bloc Party
Touch Sarah McLachlan
When the Pawn Fiona Apple (which I totally got almost at random because used CDs were buy 3 get 1 free)

I also bought some new undershirts--like I don't already have fifteen, right?--but they're totally way nicer than any of my others.

I got a Christmas card from an old friend today.

And yeah, I'm talking to Sarah right now, so I have no attention span whatsoever. Sorry about that whole disjointed incoherence thing I've got going on.

This part was written today:

I'm sort of happy and nervous and everything. Yeah. A lot. I'm making CDs to help me stay awake on the 7-8 hour drive. One of just fairly loud music, one of dance music.

And I'm stressing out a little, although I know I shouldn't. Just a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it in. Plus the longest I've ever driven before was about 4 hours, and I stopped a couple times, and it was in the middle of the day. This will definitely be a challenge. But a worthwhile one.

I feel so out of it. I'm all tired and strange and excited and worried and I can't think straight (although, really, who would want to?) and it's almost Christmas, and wheeee that was my (derailed) train of thought whizzing past. Whatever. Bleh. I'm tired of this entry.

Ooh! Shiny!

2005-12-14T20:54:00.000-05:00

I have no attention span, apparently. I just sit and stare vacantly into space with a big, stupid grin on my face. Sarah made me a CD. It's really sappy and very sweet and I totally cried when I got to about the fifth song.

We have made solemn promises to ourselves and each other that we will be productive and not talk to each other tonight until 11. She has a zine to work on, and I have Christmas cards (which will probably arrive sometime mid-January) to write.

I've been trying to decide whether to go with the impersonal approach for the people I don't know very well, i.e. "Love, Hannah" or the insincere approach :"I miss you guys so much. [I'm such a bad liar.] Hope you have a great holiday. Give my love to the kids [how many are there again? more than one, I hope, or I will sound like a total idiot.] Will write more soon. [Yeah. Sure. If next Christmas counts, maybe.] XOXO, Hannah."

I'm leaning toward impersonal, because at least it's faster, and, well, I don't have the greatest track record with correspondence. It's astonishing enough that I actually bought the cards and got them all addressed in a (fairly) timely fashion.

Also, I have lots of gift ideas for some people and none at all (not even bad ones) for others. And I am so screwed. Because all I seem to think about is Sarah. And I just can't bring myself to feel bad about it. She sends me cool packages in home-made envelopes and writes me letters and compliments me until I blush and I'm sure you have all developed gaping cavities by now, and yeah, sorry about that, but wow. I'm just so happy. Life is good.

Who knew there were so many lesbians?

2005-12-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/003618.html

I'm really just blogging because I don't feel like doing any of the better things that I have to do (and there are plenty of them). Maybe nobody else does this, but sometimes I develop these weird mental blocks about things. Often things that I need to do, even want to do. I just put them off for a while because I know I won't enjoy doing them very much, and then somehow "a while" becomes weeks or months and I do strange and useless things (like this blog post) to avoid doing what I know I need to do. Like, you know, cleaning or laundry or Christmas cards or whatever. One day I'll have to grow up. Hopefully not anytime soon, though.

Have I mentioned recently how much I love my girlfriend? (I know the answer is yes, but humor me here.) I do. A lot. Enough that I am writing a blog about nothing in particular because I know that she likes to read them. Also enough that I halfway paid attention to the soap operas that were playing at the laundromat so I could make fun of them better when I talked to her.

In the two half-soaps that I saw, all of the following took place: one couple professed undying love for one another and there was a proposal of marriage (she said yes), one couple broke up, somebody named Jason was in the hospital recovering from brain surgery, somebody got called a bitch, somebody discovered a fact that would "change everything," and somebody was using somebody else's foolish teenaged daughter's actions against him. I think the teenager's name was Lulu, but I find that rather hard to believe, even for a soap opera. I kept trying not to snicker uncontrollably when they went all melodramatic (so approximately every 30 seconds) because there are some scary people at the laundromat, and I have no desire to get beaten up, but yeah...funny stuff.

And I really need to go to work now, because I have cakes to make tonight, and stuff, but I will maybe try to blog a little more regularly. But please don't hold it against me if I slip up. I'm only human, etc. etc. (You haven't posted in two days, Hannah. The blog police are coming! Run!)

Bursting with, well, happiness (and clichés, apparently)

2005-12-12T04:21:00.000-05:00

Sarah and I are getting back together.

I told my parents.

I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Because I wanted to tell the world, but I wanted them to find out from me first, so I had to find a way to tell them.

I found a way. I'm sure they won't be happy about it, but, well, that's life. We'll all deal with it and move on.

We've become the sickeningly cute couple again in a really alarmingly small amount of time. And we haven't even seen each other in person since the Weekend from Hell entry. I just know that we're both going to burst into tears when we see each other (she's driving down for New Year's) and spend at least an hour of our precious time together weeping uncontrollably. But that's okay, because we need to do that, and as long as we're together, I don't really care what we do. I'd be happy just to watch her sleep. I won't get to, though, because we're doing this whole "taking it slowly" thing, so she's going to sleep on my trundle bed in the living room, and she always wakes up before me (although maybe I could get up for a midnight snack...).

I think we've averaged at least two hours of (really enjoyable) conversation a day. That is a lot of talking. Sometimes there are pauses. Sometimes we just listen to each other breathe (I know, I know). Also, sometimes we talk about really random--not to say strange--stuff. But we never run out of things to say. And that is just amazing. I am so stupid, head-over-heels, distracted, foolish, vacantly grinning, absurdly happy, fabulously much in love. So much so that I don't care how ridiculously ungrammatical that last sentence was or how I've used way too many adverbs and not enough commas in this entry so far.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, I am really tired but can't sleep and Shannon made me cookies (yay!), and I am just soooo wired and oh God pleeeease can I sleep soon because I have to work in, oh, 5 1/2 hours, and I am NOT going to be a pretty sight in the morning if I don't get some more sleep in.

My feet are like big iceballs stuck to the ends of my legs, so I'm going to go back to bed where it's warm before I get hypothermia and all my toes fall off. Good night!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Really desperate times call for chocolate.

2005-12-11T01:23:00.000-05:00

This is the one day a month when I really hate being a woman. Grr. Cramps suck.

And I know that craving chocolate means that you need magnesium. But...somehow taking a magnesium pill is just not as satisfying as eating a big piece of German chocolate cake covered in a towering mass of whipped cream. *happy sigh*

I am the designated cake person at work. Because my new manager, although a nice person, is just not good at decorating cakes. Actually, I don't think she's much good at making them, either. And by "not good" I mean "so incredibly bad you would laugh yourselves silly if you saw them." So I am the only halfway-decent cake person. And I mean that halfway part. I have to decorate a big, fancy Harry Potter cake that's due on the 20th. And I have to airbrush. And use fancy tips to make grass and mountains and clouds. And I am SO scared I'm going to mess it up. Mostly because my hands will be shaking with nervousness.

I went to Target yesterday. I found (finally!) some black work pants. And I bought new underwear and stuff to sleep in and some really cute wrapping paper and these awesome, awesome socks that make my feet not hurt even after hours of standing up.

Sarah mailed me some really cool mix CDs which I am in the process of listening to. They always have tons of people I haven't heard of on them, and I usually dislike about a third of them, like most of the rest, and fall in love with two or three.

I took my grandfather's tiny little 18" tree over and set it up today. He was absurdly pleased with it, but I think that may be due, at least in part, to his poor eyesight, because I forgot to bring the little metal hanger thingies for the ornaments, so I had to either force them onto the ends of branches, thus causing them to stick out at unnatural angles, or tuck them near the "trunk" on top of branches, thus rendering them nearly invisible. So next time I go over there I have to take some hangers and see if I can't get it looking a little better.

I got up on the (not terribly stable) ladder to put up a bunch of new prices on the menu board today. It was kind of depressing. Cause all the ghetto people already complain about how expensive everything is. And now we'll be fielding extra complaints for a month or so. Grr.

And you know, when I started out to write this, I was all like "yay! so much to write about!" and now I'm all "oh no! I forgot it all!" and now y'all are probably all "oh no she didn't!" and I'm all "too bad! cause I got cramps, peoples, and this is all you're gettin."

So, um, yeah...wow?

2005-12-04T23:26:00.000-05:00

This is an oh my god sort of situation. Like, oh my god oh my god oh my god. Like, wow.

Sarah and I are speaking to each other again. And, um, there's other stuff, which I won't go into because I'm not sure where this is headed yet. But wow. Just, wow.

In other news:

I've made two CDs so far:

Oh my God! That is, like, SO gay! (for my departing boss who likes to pretend to be a valley girl)

1. It’s Raining Men Martha Wash & RuPaul
2. Gay Bar Electric Six
3. We Are Family Sister Sledge
4. I’m Not a Fucking Drag Queen Peter Outerbridge
5. Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go) Garbage
6. Believe Cher
7. Somebody Told Me The Killers
8. Rebel Grrl Bikini Kill & Joan Jett
9. High School Confidential Rough Trade
10. I Kissed a Girl Jill Sobule
11. Homosapien Pete Shelley
12. Johnny Are You Queer Josie Cotton
13. Bad Reputation Joan Jett
14. Chick Habit April March
15. Rollercoaster Sleater-Kinney
16. No More Drama Mary J. Blige
17. Constant Craving k d lang
18. Closer to Fine the Indigo Girls
19. Precisely Julie Clark
20. Straight to Number One Touch’N’Go

Are they bleeding yet? (accompanied by a rather vague drawing of a pair of ears dripping blood)

1. Hello Oasis
2. Woke Up This Morning Nickelback
3. Smells Like Teen Spirit Nirvana
4. This Is the New Shit Marilyn Manson
5. Numb Linkin Park
6. Remedy Seether
7. Give Up the Grudge GOB
8. Skin Breaking Benjamin
9. Homosapien Pete Shelley
10. Jesus Freak dc Talk
11. Somebody Told Me The Killers
12. Bad Reputation Joan Jett
13. We've Had Enough Alkaline Trio
14. Did My Time Korn
15. Fine Again Seether
16. Gasoline Seether
17. The Fox Sleater-Kinney
18. Alleine zu Zweit Lacrimosa
19. Rollercoaster Sleater-Kinney
20. Du Hast Rammstein

Can you tell that I'm obsessed with Sleater-Kinney and Seether right now? Yeah. Just a little. Also with "Homosapien," although I'm not sure exactly why. Just a cool song, I guess.

--Your friendly neighborhood lesbian

Spongiformity (hey, it could be a word)

2005-12-02T18:27:00.000-05:00

Apparently I am self-absorbed. I guess I should work on that.

I think I am going to see a movie tonight, if I can find one that I want to see.

I think I'm going to like my new manager. She's going to be pretty strict, but fair, I think, and she seems pretty nice so far. I'm going to miss Beth, though.

I really wanted to write something fun and light-hearted today, but I'm tired and angry, and it's just not happening for me, but I won't burden you with the details. I'll leave you with a quote (and if anyone knows who said it, please let me know so I can credit them)...

Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.

[updated 12/4/05 12:45 am] Apparently the quote is from G.K. Chesterton's Orthodoxy. Thank you, anonymous.

New manager, old music, black pants

2005-11-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

I realize that these three things are not really related. To you, anyway. Actually, now that I think about it, the music has nothing to do with either one of those other things. But we're switching from khaki pants to black ones, which kind of peeves me, because that means I have to buy new pants. Grr.

Also, I've embarked on an ambitious music copying/burning project. My old manager *sniffle* made me a CD, and Sarah made me heaps of them, and I've bought quite a few recently, and I hardly copied any of it onto my computer, so now I'm trying to update all my tags and copy the songs I want so I can make a bunch of killer new mix CDs that I will listen to non-stop for a couple months and then never touch again, in all likelihood, but they'll be fun while they last, right?

I actually have way more music than I realized. Even some cool stuff I didn't really know I had. Sarah burned a bunch of stuff for me, but she didn't tell me what half the stuff was, so I did a massive and rather laborious search by lyric and located pretty much everything, although there were a couple without words that I've had to label "Random Electronica" and "Unidentified Dance Object."

I'm also trying to come up with clever titles for the various mix albums I'm making. I'll let you know what I come up with (because I'm egotistical that way, and I don't feel as clever if other people can't bask admiringly in the reflected glow of my wit *smirk*).

Also, everybody should go congratulate Molly (link at left) because she finished her Nanowrimo Novel, despite being way, way short on words like two days ago, and I am so impressed that she got it done. Yay Molly!

And I think I have a pretty good candidate for best friend. I won't know for sure about the "best" part for a while, but the friend thing is totally working out.

Can any of you smart people out there explain to me why I was inspired (although that hardly seems like the right word) to buy Korn's greatest hits album? There are maybe four songs on it that I actually like, and I already had one of them on my computer. What the hell was I thinking? At least I bought it used...

I have this big knot in my shoulder. It's driving me crazy. Not that, even at the best of times, I am a paragon of sanity, but when I'm short on sleep and stressed AND knotted up, it really makes me go a little Nicholson.

I still do

2005-11-29T01:05:00.000-05:00

I stole the title of this (very brief) post from the Cranberries, because they expressed how I'm feeling so much better (minus the "la"s and "das"):

I'm not ready for this,
Though I thought I would be.
I can't see the future,
Though I thought I could see.

I don't want to leave you,
Even though I have to.
I don't want to love you.
Oh, I still do.

Need some time to find myself.
I wanna live within.

Can I go my own way?
Can I pray my own way?
I don't want to leave you.
Oh, I need you.

Am I ready for this?
Did I think I would be?
Can I see the future?
No, I can't see.

I don't want to leave you,
Even though I have to.
I don't want to love you.
Oh, I still do.

Ah, la la da da da.
Ah, I still do.

Ah, la la da da da.
Ah, I still do.

The Weekend From Hell, preceded and followed by not so bad things

2005-11-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

So...Thanksgiving was not bad. It was actually kind of fun, really, and I got a call from the parental units before I left to see Granddad, and that really made my day. Made my entire week, actually. And I went to see Rent that night. Wow. What a great movie. I can only imagine how amazing it is on a stage. I cried. Bawled, actually. Tears streaming down my face, runny nose, raccoon eyes, sniffles, the whole embarrassing nine yards. But the girl two seats down was doing the same thing, and I heard a lot of sniffles, even from the guy sitting next to me, so I didn't feel too bad. I had forgotten how much I love musicals.

Also, I decided that I want to teach myself acoustic guitar. We'll see if I still want to in a month or so when I have the money (I hope) to buy one.

Today I went to lunch with Shannon, which was nice and free of drama, and I really don't need any more drama in my life after...(brace yourselves)...

THE WEEKEND FROM HELL

Yes, Sarah came, and it was even worse than I was expecting. Mostly because parts of it were better than I was expecting, and the switch from friend to raving bitch was kind of unexpected, and thus all the more upsetting.

I won't go into too many sordid details here--they will probably end up on Myspace. Let's just say that I am really relieved the whole thing is over, and at least I got some presents and more closet space out of it, so it wasn't a complete loss.

I think, in her own strange way, she was maybe trying to teach me a lesson and/or make things easier on me in the long run. What she doesn't seem to understand is that I really don't need her to teach me self-sufficiency (her professed goal for our relationship)--she and Kellie already taught me way more than I wanted to know on that front by leaving me on my own with a $600/month apartment sans laundry facilities two miles from my ($7/hr) job, and no car. Yeah. That sucked. But I managed. With a little help from my parents and no help at all from Sarah. And I still sent her presents. So I don't see why she feels called upon to continue the self-sufficiency lessons. I didn't want a teacher, anyway. I wanted a friend, or at the very least a civil parting with a former friend. Instead I got a dinner and game with an old friend, followed the next day by a deliberately cruel parting. Throw in some seriously mixed messages and some awkward moments, and you have a recipe for a really shitty weekend. I cried over her for the last time, and then I did some door-slamming and the obligatory bitching to anyone who would listen, and I slept for many, many hours last night (and had some fucked-up dreams). I also indulged in some childish revenge fantasies, and I'm feeling surprisingly okay now.

Except that I keep trying to come up with theories to explain her behavior. I really don't think she hates me. Just like I don't hate her, although I would kind of like to, after the shit she put me through. I guess maybe she was trying to help me by giving me a reason to hate her instead of missing her. Was she maybe trying to make me feel better by letting me be the wronged one? It seems like the sort of thing she would do...and she certainly seemed very tense when she finally got her stuff. Like she had to steel her nerves to be that bitchy to me and she wanted to get away quickly before she broke down completely. Maybe I read everything wrong, and the 3 1/2 hours of friendliness and joking around the night before (and the really sweet letter) were faked. But somehow I don't think so. Which leaves me thinking that she feels like she's bad for me, or I'm bad for her (both of which are pretty true) and we'd be better off apart, but instead of saying goodbye in a way which left the door open for friendship somewhere down the road, she decided to cut ties permanently so we wouldn't go on hurting each other. It's probably just as well. But I can't help wishing she could have at least said goodbye, even if she couldn't hug me or anything.

So now I'm listening to Janis Joplin and feeling nostalgic...*sigh*...and maybe a little melodramatic. A pretty important chunk of my life is over now (listen to me trying to sound all old and everything), but I'm determined not to wallow too much. I need to make new friends and look for a new job...

So this is...not hate?

2005-11-23T00:43:00.000-05:00

Revision of yesterday's angst-ridden hatred of the best friend post: I do not hate her. Quite. But I do think that the cutting ties thing is a good idea.

What's really astonishing about that is that it's one of the few times we've ever agreed about anything significant...the irony of us finally agreeing on parting ways is just delicious, isn't it?

I realized, after a short and awkward conversation with her today, that the one thing I resent most is the way she completely disrespects my religion. Even though my church (which she has been to) is about 95% gay, somewhat liberal (even a little charismatic at times), and very welcoming. I am not my parents. I was excommunicated by my parents' church, for God's sake. I'm more Democrat than Republican...I have a rainbow sticker on my car. I'm hardly a poster-child for the Religious Right, the devil rest their black little souls. I realize that she's not into religion, etc., but geez, show some respect. I mean, I've never shown such blatant disregard for something she felt so deeply about...certainly never to the extent of mockery. Even The Bitch, my pagan ex-friend Kellie, was a little more respectful of my Christianity than Sarah has been recently. And that's saying something.

Why is she automatically right about everything, just because she's a few years older than me and has had a rough life? It just doesn't seem fair.

There I go again, being naive...talking about fairness. Next thing you know I'll be having picket fence daydreams about enrolling the charmingly hyphenated children I'm raising with my life-partner in politically correct preschool.

Why is it that the only retorts I can think of are always the really, really harsh ones? The ones that I could never use and expect her to speak to me again? Why can't I find a middle ground between backing down and swatting a fly with a sledgehammer?

Maybe I will post some of my more choice sarcastic morsels where they won't offend anybody. Maybe keep them as a wallpaper on my computer...*smirk*...just kidding. Mostly.

Yes, ANOTHER post...it just seemed to fit so perfectly

2005-11-22T04:26:00.000-05:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I wish...

2005-11-22T03:52:00.000-05:00

Your Pimp Name Is...

Princess Big Spenda

What's" Your Pimp Name?

And another one down...

2005-11-22T01:18:00.000-05:00

So...my short list of friends is now one person shorter. And my list of hated people officially grows to, let's see, I think I'm at four now...two people who fucked with me in high school, although I really don't care much about that anymore, really, and my two ex-roommates.

Well, given the volatile nature of our relationship, I guess it was bound to happen, but I'm still royally pissed about it. I wrote a really livid, somewhat hateful entry on Myspace...friends only, because it was really not suitable for public consumption. And now I'm writing a slightly more balanced one here. Because I really couldn't NOT blog about this. It's been a long time since I've been simultaneously so angry and so hurt. And I am so strongly tempted to write a really, really scathing and hurtful e-mail. But I won't, because if I do that, we will never be friends again, whereas now there is a very, very slight possibility that if I live to be 5,000 I might not hate her quite as much by the time I die. Might even fail to snarl when I hear her name. You never know...miracles happen, right?

The best little fag hag/movie critic in Norfolk...

2005-11-21T19:19:00.000-05:00

So...I bought the new Madonna CD. They were playing it at the gay bookstore (of course!) when I went in a couple days ago, and I liked it, so I decided to buy it.

*Spoiler Warning*

Anyway...Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire...where should I start? The special effects were superb, of course. How could they not be, with all the money that's thrown at them? All of the adult actors were excellent, particularly Miranda Richardson as Rita Skeeter. The scene where she corners Harry in the broom closet was probably the best in the entire movie. Malfoy's brief stint as a ferret should also not be missed.

There was the usual overacting from some of the child actors. Krum was a bit more handsome than I think was strictly in accordance with the book, and Fleur was satisfyingly Gallic, but not sufficiently beautiful, at least to my eye, to be reminiscent of a Veela. Moody was fabulous, and Karkaroff and Madame Maxim were quite good. Harry's was the only part of the first task that was shown, so the audience's view of the dragons is quite disappointingly limited.

The individual parts of the movie were generally quite good, but the film as a whole had a slightly disjointed, dreamlike feel to it. After it was over I wanted to grab the director, the writer/adapter, and the editor and shake them till their teeth rattled. There was almost nothing of the World Cup, which is something I was really looking forward to watching, and at least two fairly significant subplots were entirely removed, which naturally necessitated some baffling, not to say idiotic changes. It was confusing enough to a devoted fan like me who has read the entire series at least five or six times, but I can only imagine how little sense it would have made to someone who hadn't read the books at all.

Ron is still an idiot, of course. Hermione is adorable, Ginny is starting to come into her own as a character. McGonagall is still one of my favorite characters. Professor Trelawney, to my disappointment, made no appearance at all. You would never guess, from the movie, that there is even any schoolwork going on. And Sirius's head in the fire looked nothing like I anticipated. Somehow I don't think that's how JKR intended it to look, and I don't understand why she would have let them twist everything around so much.

I also saw Walk the Line this weekend, which was, cinematically speaking, everything that Goblet of Fire was not. It was coherent, character-driven, tightly woven, and compelling. I would highly recommend it. Joaquin Phoenix was completely spectacular, and I will be pretty surprised if he doesn't get an Oscar for that role. Reese Witherspoon was, naturally, completely adorable.

Also, for reasons that I won't go into at this time, I am looking for work, and will probably leave DQ sometime in January. Wish me luck.

We are NOT schizophrenic [yes we are] Shut up, dammit

2005-11-19T02:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it may be strange and confusing and even a little disturbing that not even fifteen minutes after I posted the most incredibly long and confusing piece of tedium/angst ever seen on the Web (including ALL of my previous blog entries), I am now doing a random sarcastic fluff piece on life and Christmas and (finally!) some weather that is appropriate for this time of year.

I actually hung out with somebody on Sunday. Like, you know, a friend activity. For, like, 9 hours. And it like, totally rocked, man. Supercool groovitude. Or whatever the teenyboppers are saying these days... Yeah, so we spent three or four hours at Walmart, and we went out to eat twice, and we went to Barnes & Noble, but mostly we sat around talking. It was a lot of fun. Also, we tried on shoes. And yes, Sarah, I did look for some plain brown loafers, but I couldn't find any that that were plain enough. *grin*

I also bought a tiny little Christmas tree ($4.99) and some ornaments and lights to put on it so that my grandfather's Christmas doesn't totally suck. It looks like I'm probably going to NC for the holidays, and I feel really bad for leaving him here on his own, so I want to do something nice for him. I'm also contemplating putting up some lights in my front window (which is, naturally, larger than I thought it was when I was buying lights, and I already took them off that stupid little white holder thingy so I'm pretty much screwed). I find Christmas incredibly exciting. It's my favorite holiday by far...it was always so magical when I was little, partially because I got lots of presents from my paternal grandparents (I was the only grandkid on that side of the family), but mostly because my mom put her heart and soul into decorating and polishing and cooking and shopping and wrapping and just generally having a nervous breakdown so that I would have a wonderful Christmas no matter how little money we had (and we usually didn't have a whole lot). Every year my parents would tell me how tight things were, and they'd say we weren't going to have a lot of presents this year, but every year there would be two distinct mounds of presents under the tree--the larger pile of presents, mostly from my mom, but some from my dad which he persuaded her to wrap for him, were uniformly gorgeous and creatively festooned with ribbons and bows and artfully deployed tissue paper in a wide range of colors and textures. The other pile looked like they had been wrapped by a two-year-old on crack with materials salvaged from a thrift-store dumpster after a flood. Those, of course, were the ones my dad had to wrap, although when I got old enough to wrap presents he always made me wrap most of the ones for my mom, and he hardly wrapped anything. I will never understand how somebody so intelligent and talented (he actually is quite good at little cartoon-type sketches) can do such a lousy job of wrapping a present. Sometimes, usually when he had persuaded me to wrap a large and bizarrely-shaped present for Mom, I suspected that he did it on purpose out of sheer laziness.

At any rate, aside from my mother's annual there's-no-time-no-money-no-tree-no-holly-no-presents-wrapped-yet-what-am-i-going-to-do! meltdown Christmas was a highly enjoyable occasion for me. Every year we would greet the ornaments like old friends and exclaim over their beauty/cuteness/unfortunate breakage/hideous deformities (that last category was made up almost exclusively of saltdough ornaments which I created at the advanced age of three with a great deal more enthusiasm and glitter than taste--or recognizable shape, for that matter). My mother would wrestle with the fifteen thousand strings of lights, some of which came from different model years and manufacturers, others from distant planets (probably constructed by Grinch & Scrooge, Inc.) where functionality must at all costs be avoided and no bulbs from any other manufacturer/planet may be compatible and at least one bulb will already be burned out before you even plug them in and the rest will not light up if there is one bulb that is even thinking about contemplating a brief flicker, let alone going out. My dad, after much grumbling, would put the star on the top branch of the ridiculously tall tree my mother always insisted on, and, after even more grumbling, get one of the bulbs to light it up to her satisfaction. This never took more than two or three minutes, but the way he fussed about it, you would have thought she'd asked him to supply the entire neighborhood with electricity for their Christmas lights by running on a treadmill while the rest of us opened presents and ate his chocolate Santa or something.

My mom would always drive me around so we could ooh and ah over the houses with the extravagant displays of lights in their yards, and I secretly longed to live in one of those houses and be able to show my friends the Santas and reindeer and stable scenes in my front yard (funny how Mary and Joseph are often right next to Rudolph and Frosty, isn't it?). As I grew older and understood how much work was required in such a display, I was very glad that we didn't have one of those yards, but I still like looking at them.

I'm not sure why I'm in such a nostalgic mood. Maybe because it actually feels a bit like Winter now (it's close to freezing outside), and my feet are icy, even in thick socks, and I was listening to my Robert Shaw Christmas album in the car and I couldn't eat a lot of ice cream because I got too cold. I have an urge to go to Colonial Williamsburg and walk around saying "Brr" a lot and sniffing the wood smoke and fallen leaves and then eating ginger cakes and drinking hot cider and grinning insanely. Also, this will be the first Christmas I have never spent with my parents, and that is definitely going to be an emotional roller coaster (probably for them as well).

Speaking of parents...I hadn't heard from mine in a few days, because apparently there are incompetent people doing road work in Uganda and some of the workmen messed up the Internet connection, so they're back with the dial-up again. Also, my mom injured her leg somehow, and may have to have surgery, and you have no idea how much the idea of my mom having surgery in an African hospital scares me, prejudiced and unfair as I'm sure that is.

I will write about Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire sometime later this weekened, I promise, but right now I just do not have the energy.

Good night, everyone.

Drama King (or androgynous royal personage, or whatever)

2005-11-19T02:50:00.000-05:00

*Surgeon General's Warning: Reading this blog entry may be hazardous to your health. DO NOT READ if you suffer from any of the following conditions: allergy to angst, being in a hurry, requiring reading material to eventually get to some kind of point, inability to stomach long and rambling sentences, stupidity, intolerance, homophobia, ignorance, or ingrown toe nails.*

SO...I was going to write this long, breezy tongue-in-cheek blog with a nice sarcastic review of the new Harry Potter movie and leave you basking in the glow of my brilliant wit as an apology for not posting for so many days. BUT...I just had a really pathetically awkward and gut-wrenching argument with my ex-girlfriend/best friend, and I have some serious venting and explaining (and maybe a little apologizing) to do.

As usual, I managed to stick my foot in my mouth and not be able to explain what I really meant, and as usual she wasn't willing to stick around long enough to hear me out. Granted, I'm a long-winded kind of girl, especially when I'm feeling angsty (and boy am I feeling angsty--my stomach is in the tight little knots only she knows how to tie), but I feel like she's not really listening to me, sometimes not even willing to listen, and it kinda pisses me off. She's always twisting my words and telling me that the things I value in life aren't what's really important, and she knows better so I should always listen to her. I doubt she really means it that way, and I'm sure she's just trying to get me to do what's best for me...but...she's sounding like she's trying to be my mom, and I don't need that from her. I need her to be a supportive best friend kinda person, not a nagging mom kinda person. Her current approach reminds me a bit of my dad, or maybe even my grandmother (obsessive manipulative alcoholic, in case you were wondering), which I think is part of why it freaks me out and puts my back up so much.

I think all two of you who read this blog with any kind of regularity know that my ex was my first relationship of any kind, I was head-over-heels, foolish, blind, stupid naive in love. It didn't last (does it ever?), and we managed to salvage our friendship out of the wreckage, although it was touch-and-go for a while, mostly because I was an idiot and couldn't seem to fall out of love with her as easily as I fell into it.

I'm probably about 90% over her now. I still think about her a lot (she is my best friend), and we talk a lot, etc., but I don't daydream about her all the time anymore or invent those pathetic little white picket fence scenarios with her playing the female lead... The long-distance friendship thing is working pretty well, although I really miss hanging out with her.

The problem is that that 10% is enough to make me doubt that moving 400 miles away to be her roommate and go back to school is a great idea. I think she's mad at me for being scared. But I've done the whole unrequited crush thing way too many times to want to be stuck with an ex-girlfriend as a roommate when I might still have feelings. It's hard to tell for sure if I do, because I haven't seen her in over a year. Getting closer to a year and a half now. That was what I was trying--and failing miserably--to explain to her when she abruptly said that she'd had enough of that conversation and signed off.

I also said that I'd already turned my life upside down once because it was what she thought I should do (and I should point out that I never blamed her for it--God knows what desperate lengths I would have gone to if I hadn't come out of the closet soon). If anything, I'm profoundly grateful to her for giving me a kick in the pants when I sorely needed one. She was my lesbian mentor, as well as my friend and lover. Hell, she was my grownup mentor, too, half the time. And I can never repay her for supporting me (in every sense of the word), and encouraging me, and loving me when I felt completely unloveable, and helping me to get over my hurt when lifelong friends at my parents' church were no longer speaking to me after I was excommunicated. She is the only person who has ever made me feel beautiful or desirable, and that alone is enough to earn her my undying gratitude.

She did so many things for me, I can't even begin to list them, and my attitude towards her has always bordered a little bit on hero worship. I still wonder if she would approve before I buy clothes and music and shoes or get my hair cut. It's pathetic how much I still long for her approval in everything I do. I hate that I still want it, and I hate that I don't have it, and I hate that she never seems to have much time for me, and I hate that I can't seem to be cool with the casual friendship thing she has to keep re-establishing. I somehow manage to fuck it up every time (like tonight, for example).

She has friends and a loving family, and a decent job that actually gives her raises and benefits, and a cool zine, and I have...well...absentee homophobic parents, a depressed and depressing grandfather who hasn't lived in years but is scared to die, a church full of people way older than me that meets on the other side of a tunnel, a fairly dead-end job with a shitty sexist supervisor who doesn't think I'm even good at the job I have let alone worthy of promotion, innumerable scruples that I would probably be much happier without, a few acquaintances, no good friends to speak of, no money, no health insurance, and a serious case of depression. Doesn't seem like a fair trade, does it? I go up there, live with her, spend holidays with her family, hang out with her friends, go to her school, probably get a job with her or with somebody she knows...it's obvious what I'm getting out of it. But what does she get out of it? A nerd who hasn't done any of the things she's good at in so long she's probably forgotten how, an academic who can't write papers except when the mood strikes her (and it never lasts for long), a social reject who can't grasp the process of making friends, a city girl who likes easy living and short drives to the grocery store and having gay bookstores and Starbucks and gourmet food and well-educated people readily available (even though a lot of them despise me for working at DQ).

All the people I know are here. Everything that's comforting and familiar and home is either here or in Richmond with my uncle (with whom I would almost certainly not be welcome), or in Africa with my parents (ditto). I don't think I'm ready to leave. I'm still attached to the city I was born in. It's the only tie I have left with my parents, really, and I don't think I can cut that cord yet. A few years ago I would have jumped at the chance to leave town. But I'm the only family my grandfather has left, and even if he is a grumpy old whiner, he's still my grandfather, and I love him, dammit. And I don't know why I'm so emotional, because I just finished my period less than a week ago, but I should have known I'd be crying before this entry was over.

Pretty much everybody (except my boss, for obvious reasons) thinks that I should go back to school. Hell, I agree with them. It's pretty obvious. I am clearly not cut out for a life in fast food. For one thing, I'm not fast enough. For another thing, it just doesn't make me happy. It's a rare workday that I don't come home physically drained and a little emotionally bruised. I hate the stupid customers (and stupid employees). I hate the ignorance and the rigidity and the stagnation and the total lack of mental stimulation. On the other hand...I love learning. I love knowing the right answer, I love helping other people understand the right answer, I love impressing teachers (and occasionally stumping them), I love getting 100's on tests, I love above all that lightbulb moment, when something you've never understood, maybe never even given much thought to, suddenly makes complete and total sense and you just bask in the revelation. I love it. I love to read, and write, and think, and argue, and wrestle with concepts and characters and movements and ideals that are bigger and more important than I am.

I am way above average on pretty much every test I have ever taken (all the verbal stuff, anyway, and pretty good on the math, too). I was a National Merit Semi-Finalist (grades weren't good enough to be a Finalist), I won awards and scholarships... They used my PSAT booklet as a tool to show other kids how to do better on the test, for God's sake. People always knew that I would have the right answer and the best grade (or they thought they knew that, even after I got depressed and stopped turning things in). I could have made a killing writing papers and giving out test answers to people, only I was always too honest (and I will never regret that). Five minutes after meeting me, everybody says I'm way too smart to be working at DQ, I'm wasted on them, I absolutely must go back to school, etc. etc.

But...school is scary for me. The last four years of schooling I undertook were all fairly disastrous, although I managed to level out a bit in my senior year of high school, only to go hurtling into depression again in college and leave after about three months. I'm scared that I'll repeat all my past mistakes, that I'll procrastinate until there's no hope of catching up, that I'll be a social misfit again, that the bureaucracy and nitpicking will nip my creativity in the bud and I'll end up staring at a blank computer screen for hours on end, that (horror of horrors)... teachers won't like me. Or I won't be the best. Hell, maybe not even one of the best. I want to fit in, but at the same time I want to do better than everyone else. It's totally impossible, of course, so usually I end up striving for both and achieving neither.

So many things about moving in with her scare me, and I really don't think I can tackle them all at once. Let's see if I can list them all:
1. Grandfather alone.
2. Confused feelings almost undoubtedly exacerbated by living in close proximity.
3. Lack of my spoiled little suburban creature comforts.
4. No friends or family of my own--feel like a sponge.
5. Ditto sponginess with money/place to live.
6. Back-to-school failure angst
7.Hero-worship issues--may reach all new levels on basketcase chart attempting to be person she wants me to be because yes, I am just that impressionable and eager to please.
8. Have to watch any potential relationships develop. Definite awkwardness, misplaced jealousy, etc. Plus knowing my luck I would get a crush on girlfriend and then not know who to be jealous of.
9. Blah blah blah...Hannah insecure and paranoid... bad grades... falling down stairs in front of cute girl... will undoubtedly be alone forever... homophobia...could die on side of road in middle of nowhere... history of cancer and heart disease...alcoholism...crazy people...global warming...little green men... government conspiracy... we're all going to die...

I'm not really as pathetic as I just made myself sound. I do have a few friends, and I'm fairly well-liked (as far as I know) at work. But I have a lot of self-doubt issues, and somehow she always makes me feel tongue-tied and awkward and out of it, yet I still trail after her like a bumbling little puppy. I am tired and weepy and hopelessly confused and I will probably end up deleting this entry because it's way too long and ridiculously maudlin and nobody really wants to read all that, but right now I'm going to post it because I'm still mad and otherwise I'll never have the courage to say what needs to be said, because I can't go on like this, and I can't stand having her mad at me, so, (you know who you are) if you even finished reading this...

I'm sorry. Forgive me for being insecure and stupid?

2005-11-12T00:58:00.000-05:00

The fauxhawk (and a tantalizing glimpse of Lauren's thumb)

All suckage, great and small

2005-11-08T00:53:00.000-05:00

Here are some sucky things in my life:

Neither of the candidates for VA governor (I'm not including the independent, because they never win anyway) supports gay rights. At all. So I'm probably just going to vote Republican--God knows I don't need any more taxes.
I have to go to work very, very early tomorrow morning. Well, very early for me. Because the grease is really really gross, and B is not going to be there to change it because she's off for the next three days, and it really needs to go. But I am already supposed to clean an ice cream machine, so I will have to go in extra early. Despite having closed tonight.
I'm getting ready to start my period. Grr.
I'm poor.
I still have no definite Thanksgiving or Christmas plans.
I should really return those damn boots and buy something practical, but I haven't been able to talk myself into it.
I spent an hour and a half yesterday typing out recipes for my mom, and now I'm mad that my oven sets the smoke detector off, because I have a hankering for those pepper wreaths she used to make. Or focaccia. Oddly enough, I'm a pretty decent baker, although I'm not much of a cook. Perhaps because I helped my mom make a lot of bread during my seven years of homeschooling (and by help I mean that I spread flour on the counter and watched the yeast bubble and kneaded for a minute or two until my arms started to hurt).
I have no DVD player (still).

Here are some not-so-sucky things in my life:

Sudoku.
Coldstone.
Sleater-Kinney.
E-mails from my mom.
Overtime.
Church.
Phone calls from Sarah and Felicia.
Good Night, and Good Luck: awesome movie about Edward R. Murrow and the McCarthy hearings. Probably the best movie I've seen in at least a year.

8 impractical things I did or wanted to do

2005-11-02T22:31:00.000-05:00

So...you guys remember how I was trying really hard not to spend all my money, right? Here is a list of the impractical things I did or seriously considered doing today:

1. Returned the towels I wanted but didn't need, intending to get a nice, practical pair of dressy casual shoes (something between sneakers and shiny leather dress shoes). Instead, I bought a pair of HIGH-HEELED BLACK BOOTS that are totally not my style and that I don't need at all and are very awkward to walk in but somehow make me feel attractive so I've decided they're worth it.

2. I thought about getting a second (!) pair of shoes, but I managed to talk myself out of it and bought some $4 notecards instead. Right, like I write notes. Whatever. I'm sure the people I send them to (announcing the birth of my third child, most likely) will appreciate them.

3. I went to Coldstone Creamery--one of my favorite indulgences. And I got a love it size with two mix-ins and refused to feel guilty about it.

4. I almost ordered a gotta have it, but I would have felt guilty about that.

5. I spent $44.06 at Planet Music. In my defense, four of the five CDs were used, and one of them was free, and I like both of the ones I've listened to so far.

6. I could easily have spent several hundred dollars there. Possibly over a thousand, if I'd had the time.

7. I bought a venti stawberries & crème frappucino from the not-quite-Starbucks-but-almost at Barnes & Noble. I had forgotten how sweet they are *sigh*

8. I only avoided any book purchases because I was determined not to spend all of the money I set aside for food between now and Monday when I get paid.

In my own defense, I would like to point out that I did three loads of laundry today and only spent $2 on lunch. $2! And for that I bought two LARGE slices of quite decent cheese pizza at Del Vecchios. And I paid the rent and mailed my student loan check. Yeah, okay, so it doesn't outweigh all my other expenditures, but still, it has to count for something, right?

Do I have a "Stalk me!" sign on my back?

2005-10-29T23:22:00.000-05:00

So maybe I exaggerated a little. But, you know, what's up with the weird straight guys hitting on me? Not cool. This is the second one in the past month who has called Dairy Queen and asked for me by name. The first one was a total creep, and I blew him off. The second one (tonight) was not so bad. He drives a wrecker and his name is Teddy. I took a break and we talked, but I don't really trust him. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable getting in a car alone with him. I promised to call him sometime this week, but I think I'll try to avoid getting together. And I didn't give him my phone number. Too bad everybody has caller ID these days. I wish I had a cell phone. Maybe I can call him from work...yeah, that's a good idea.

Apparently he goes to the local lesbian bar to look at all the women and try to pick them up. I found that really, really creepy and somewhat offensive, although I didn't tell him that. He also admitted to having gone into lesbian chatrooms and pretended to be a woman. His girlfriend (!) apparently has a haircut just like mine (mine is about 1 3/4 inches long on top and shorter on the sides right now). Maybe he likes to pretend that he has converted lesbians to straightness? It seemed like he wanted to go girl-watching with me. Maybe he thinks that I would have a threesome with him. I don't know. Anyway, I didn't get the feeling that his intentions were terribly pure, and the more I think about it, the less I like him. I'll feel really awkward, though, if I don't call and he comes to DQ to see me. That would suck. Maybe I can just call him at a strange time, like 3 am, and leave him a message saying that I never want to see him again *smirk*. I wouldn't actually do that. He didn't seem like a bad guy, exactly, just not interesting enough for me to overlook his desire to sleep with me. Oh well.

PS Before you ask, I did tell him that I was gay before I agreed to any conversation at all. He said that it "wasn't a problem," whatever that means. I hope he's not counting on his good looks (well, he may like them) to convert me, because, well, not gonna happen. Nope. Totally not. He can wait till the sky falls and the seas turn black and the Republicans find their sense of rhythm, but it's NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Grr.

I'm Your Pillow

2005-10-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

So there's this song by Franz Ferdinand called "I'm Your Villain." And while they're an awesome band, their singing is not exactly well-enunciated, and unless you have the lyrics sitting in front of you, the words are sometimes hard to decipher. And in this particular case, I thought they were saying "pillow" and not "villain." Granted, that doesn't make a lot of sense, so I figured I was hearing it wrong, but it still sounds like pillow to me, and when I sing along I always say pillow by accident at least once.

I actually have a little money to spare now, thanks to Aunt Cindi (and I feel terrible that I can never remember whether she spells her name with an i or a y at the end...I think it's an i, though...). I'm trying reeeeally hard not to go out and spend it on the first thing that catches my eye, but it's hard. Grr. I already spent $40 on towels and underwear at TJ Maxx. There's nothing wrong with my current set of towels, really, although one of them got some bleach on it, but they're dark blue, almost navy, and my bathroom really does not need ANOTHER color in it, so I decided I wanted white ones. And I was at TJ Maxx for the underwear, but I figured I'd look around and see what was on sale. The towels were pretty cheap (and very soft!), so I got them, and there was a hat I wanted, but it had a stain on it that I wasn't sure would come out, so I didn't get it. *sigh*

Also, I'm not sure if my Christmas plans are going to work out quite the way I planned...TC (one of the other assistant managers) just quit. SO...now I'm one of only two assistants, and I don't know that I'll be able to take any time off around Christmas as I had planned, which means that driving for seven or eight hours each way to see Sarah might not work out--we're only closed the 24th and 25th. SO...I guess I'll have to see how much time my boss is willing to give me.

On an entirely different, not to say random, topic...I went shopping for DQ at Office Max and Home Depot today. It was fun. I love spending other people's money *grin*

Ciao/tschüß

My cup runneth over*

2005-10-26T17:09:00.000-05:00

*Is it strange that this phrase always makes me think of Kenneth Starr?

BOY do I have a lot to tell you guys today. I've sort of been saving it up until I had the time and energy to write about all of it.

Observations/occurences/ramblings:

I have some really cool English relatives. Two of them run a bed and breakfast in a MEDIEVAL house (built in 1400). Do you have ANY idea how cool that is? It helps to know that I was obssessed with all things medieval for a large portion of my childhood.
I am now hooked on Sudoku (number puzzles, if you haven't already been caught up in the wave of enthusiasm).
My aunt gave me $100 for "gas money" even though my other aunt had already filled up my tank. Wheeee.
60 years is a really long time to be married. It's a really REALLY long time to stay in love.
Champagne and chambord make a really good, if somewhat expensive and very girly, drink.
Nothing beats hanging out in your pajamas in the hotel room till 1 in the morning talking and drinking wine out of plastic cups.
My uncle had my cousin's husband fix my car (you know how it was making that squealing noise? GONE.) Also got brand new tires. For free. And I was so grateful I actually managed to send thank-you-notes. Yay me!
I have a seriously dysfunctional family (but we already knew that).
Toddlers are cute in small quantities, but I don't know that I'd want to live with one.
Route 58 is incredibly boring.
It looks like I'm going to be staying on a schedule where I get up in the a.m. and go to bed by 1 or so. It seems that six days in a row of getting up early have done the trick.
Going in at 9 a.m. isn't so bad if you go to bed at a reasonable hour.
I like watching poker on TV.
My entire extended family cares about me/would probably spoil me a bit if given the chance. Who knew?
I got a phone call from someone I used to work with who I hadn't heard from in about seven months. I'd pretty much given up hope, and then BAM! I came home from work last night and found a message from her on my voicemail. I'm planning on calling her as soon as I get offline.
Styling wax is awesome.
The Republicans need to stop calling me, or somebody's going to get hurt.
I really hate it when people who clearly don't understand the concept of meter try to write rhyming poetry. If you don't know what you're doing, just stick with free verse, okay? Thanks.
I find it highly amusing that the standard cloth size quilters use is called a "fat quarter."
If I am in the company of people with English accents, I start to sound English myself.
I hate organic root beer.
I had a really good vacation. I feel relaxed and accomplished and relieved all at once *grin*

Waxing eloquent

2005-10-19T12:15:00.000-05:00

SO...I got my hair cut today. Finally. It's pretty short. Not the shortest I've ever gone, by at least an inch and a half...but still pretty short. I also bought some horribly expensive styling wax, which I probably would not have gotten if I'd known exactly how expensive it was, but I really wanted my cool, gay-friendly stylist to like me. Yeah, so maybe I have a crush. Shut up! I can't help it. She's cute and moderately trendy in a don't-you-dare-ask-for-blonde-highlights kind of way. Apparently she has a degree in graphic design, but was having trouble finding work in her field. She's really tall, and I'm pretty short, so I had an interesting time trying not to stare at her cleavage (and there was a lot of it to stare at). *sigh*

Anyway. I hope B isn't mad at me for getting my hair all short. I don't plan on spiking it at work, but really, it's a lot of fun. I'll post a picture as soon as I have any :-)

My neurons appear to be firing on their own...

2005-10-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

I hate polar bears. All they ever do is drink Coke and become rugs after they die. (Thanks, Joe. I just had to use it.)

Anyway...like I was saying, I've been kind of out of focus today. Mostly I'm fine, but every now and then I'll space out a little. I did get a good amount of sleep last night, though. And my cramps weren't as bad as they usually are. I've been feeling bitchy for about a week and suddenly I'm not anymore and it's great. Also, a coworker told me that he likes working with me so much better than working with my boss because she finds fault with everything and spazzes about stuff whenever we get busy. He greeted me with "Hannah, I will never complain about anything you do ever, ever again." That made me kind of happy, although it probably shouldn't have (does that mean I'm slack?).

Also, I went to Planet Music last night and listened to random 30-second chunks from several CDs and now I'm coveting them. Grr. I might treat myself to one for my trip to North Carolina.

I finally bought A Short History of Nearly Everything. It was so worth the $15 I spent on it. SO worth it. The best way I can think of to explain it is: what you always wished your science text books would be like, so you would actually want to read them. It's like a cross between an adventure novel and a science book, with all the best characteristics of both (except, perhaps, a plot, and character development). Fascinating stuff.

Coldstone Creamery is awesome. Seriously. If you haven't been, you should go. Right now. If they're closed, camp out on the doorstep until they open in the manner of a crazed Star Wars fan. I haven't just discovered them, but I just went back after not going for a while, and man is that stuff good.

PS I can almost taste that week of vacation. Yum!

Raindrops keep falling on my head (at least when I'm stupid enough to go outside)

2005-10-11T01:24:00.000-05:00

So...four days of rain so far, and no end in sight. Grr.

Also: I spent too much money at Walmart today (as usual).

And: I have absolutely no attention span right now. There are things I've been meaning to write about. Not necessarily important things, but, you know, things. So that you guys don't think I've like, died, or fallen into a deep hole with spiky things at the bottom, or finally imploded due to a stupidity overload after dealing with idiotic customers all day.

BUT...I can't think of anything. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow.

PS I have this great idea for a short story: a bunch of cheerleaders who get possessed by demons and then go around killing people by jumping on them and suffocating them with pom-poms. I'm sure it will be a critical success.

A few random observations...

2005-10-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

I am exhausted and achy from putting away $3,000 worth of food and dry goods almost entirely by myself, much of it in the walk-in freezer, which we keep at 0 degrees. Yeah, that was fun (not).

My hands hurt like hell.

I am poor.

I need a haircut.

I'm going to church this Sunday.

I finally got my car inspected, and there was nothing terribly wrong with it.

Gas is fucking expensive as hell.

I found an awesome (currently updated!) Star Trek series. I read all four installments in three days (it only took me about fourteen hours :-P).

I'm getting 13 hours of overtime for this week alone.

At least I get a day off.

I'm going to see Granddad tomorrow and cross my fingers that the lampshade will work.

I'm hungry.

I need to go grocery shopping.

But I don't feel like it.

I'm going to be attending that food manager class during my vacation--sixteen freakin hours. And I won't even get overtime pay for it. Grr.

But I'm still looking forward to the vacation.

This is very stream-of-consciousness, only without the great insight/character development. I'll stop now.

Kill me now

2005-10-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I hate working open to close. I'm just so exhausted. My feet and back are killing me, my hands hurt like hell, and I have to get up early tomorrow to do laundry and take my car to get its state inspection (which was supposed to happen in September, so I'm praying I don't get a citation, because I certainly couldn't afford to pay it). Also, I have to take my grandfather his lampshade and headphones for his television.

And I all REALLY want to do is sleep. *groan*

Goodnight, folks.

PS I updated the drive-thru etiquette blog today. You should go read it and leave me many comments praising my great wit.

You're a god, and I am not

2005-10-02T23:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the random song-title thing. It just...seemed appropriate. Somehow DQ expects me to be a god for $7.75/hour. Not gonna happen, guys. It's just not gonna happen.

The big news right now? S--the one who was going to take that food manager certification course? Yeah, she quit today. Without notice. She's leaving her (asshole) husband and going back to Michigan. God knows what she's gonna do there. Anyway...since we already lost one assistant, that means we now have three. Four would have been a good amount for the winter. But since two of us are considering leaving (one pretty soon), things are going to get kind of rough for B (my manager).

And it looks like I'll be working more day shifts. I don't really have a problem with that...but it does mean that I'll be closing and then opening, which I hate. And tomorrow I have to work open to close (thirteen hours). I don't mind the overtime, but if I'd known I was going to have to get up at 9:00 tomorrow morning, I wouldn't have slept until 3:30 today. I am going to be SO tired by tomorrow night.

I guess that's all for now...*sigh*

Good night.

Hannah is a crackhead

2005-09-30T00:20:00.000-05:00

(no, not really)

For some reason I seem to go through phases with the posting. Sometimes I just have nothing to say, and sometimes I have so much to say that I forget a lot of it until after I've already posted an entry.

First, let me just say that about a week ago I had a very inappropriate dream about somebody and I am still pretty uncomfortable about it.

Also, I bought the heating pad I've been lusting after for so long now, and I used it, and it felt nice, but...it's too warm for a heating pad! I was all hot and restless after about fifteen minutes. Hopefully this cold front will help.

Okay, that's all. I think.

Cracka please

2005-09-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

So...not really quite so mad at DQ now. I've had a chance to settle down a little. Apparently S is taking the class instead of me because she works day shift all the time, and that's when the health inspector always comes. I can deal with that.

I really want some ice cream right now. Is that wrong or what? I WORK at Dairy Queen, for heaven's sake. I could probably wring out my shirt and get enough ice cream for a small blizzard. But no, I have to be all freakish and not want ice cream till 1:00 am, when all Dairy Queens are closed. Grr.

In other news...I finally felt like I had cooled off enough to respond to my mom's letter. So I did that, and paid a couple bills, and found a coupon for a tune-up. I have to get a state inspection tomorrow, so I figured I might as well get a tune-up and an oil change while I'm there, right?

Am I the only one who always cries during Oprah? I feel so pathetic, but seriously, I am all about some Oprah. I know it's gimicky and emotionally manipulative and chock-full of advertising, but I am just so damn sensitive. I swear I get teary at the drop of a hat. I really should know better by now, but Oprah was on at the laundromat yesterday (the little laundry room at my apartment complex is locked, for some reason, so I had to go to the laundromat), and they said Melissa Etheridge would be on today's show. And so of course I had to watch. I missed the first half, where Oprah and Melissa were talking, but I did see the bit at the end where she sang this new song...the song is what got me really teary-eyed. Might be my favorite Melissa song ever. I think it's called Run for Life, but that's just a guess.

Enough for now. Comments, anyone?

100 things about me

2005-09-28T23:25:00.000-05:00

1. I hate bell peppers. They make me gag. Really.
2. I hate purses. I always end up leaving them somewhere. So I carry a wallet.
3. I like cheese. A lot. Except for Swiss.
4. I was homeschooled for seven years.
5. I read so much it's a little scary.
6. I sound like a dying seal when I have a cough.
7. I love to make people laugh.
8. I think Dave Barry is possibly the funniest person ever (I am NOT making this up).
9. Even if it's below freezing outside, I will still eat ice cream. I love it.
10. Sad movies make me cry. It's kind of embarrassing.
11. I love classical music, but I just can't seem to like opera.
12. Stupid people piss me off.
13. I always do really well on standardized tests. I haven't decided if that's a blessing or a curse.
14. I'm kind of an intellectual snob. But I'm working on it (I'm way better than I used to be).
15. Sometimes I correct other people's pronunciation/ word choice/ grammar/ punctuation/ spelling automatically. I try not to, though.
16. Coming out of the closet was rather painful for me. Not something I ever want to have to do again.
17. I hate washing dishes.
18. I sweat easily. It's gross.
19. I haven't shaved my legs in...almost two years. I just wear long pants whenever I go anywhere.
20. I've always wanted to have a crew cut, but the one time I had a haircut even close to that, my head looked like a fuzzy bowling ball.
21. When I was little, I wanted to be either Robin Hood or a knight (complete with white horse and shining armor).
22. I always sing along with the radio.
23. Not very well, though.
24. I have a hard time waking up without a shower. Pre-shower Hannah is not a pretty sight.
25. I would love to have a tattoo of a curling vine on my lower back, but
26. I have a morbid fear of needles. Even thinking about them makes me queasy.
27. Plus I think old people with tattoos and piercings look sad and pathetic.
28. I really miss my grandfather. He died a few years ago, and there's so many things I wish I had asked him.
29. I make really good mashed potatoes.
30. I like to stay up late. Really late. Like, 6 am.
31. I've been to Germany, but I've never been further west than West Virginia.
32. Compliments make me uncomfortable.
33. I love mayonnaise (especially with french fries), but I don't like ketchup very much and I hate mustard.
34. Most fast food fish sandwiches don't taste fishy enough for me.
35. I firmly believe that brussel sprouts and pantyhose are inventions of the devil.
36. I prefer men's clothes. They just feel right to me.
37. I love foreign languages. There are so many I want to learn...
38. I started writing a novel when I was 11 or 12. It was going to be called The Depart of Gravity. I still have the six pages that I wrote.
39. In relationships and friendships, I am always the one who cares more.
40. But I wish I wasn't.
41. I'm a perfectionist.
42. I'm afraid of getting splinters. I categorically refuse to go without shoes on a wooden floor that is not polyurethaned to within an inch of its life and cleaned thoroughly.
43. I have thrown up exactly four times that I recall. When I catch a bug that makes other people throw up, it usually just gives me a cold/cough.
44. I'm becoming a sci-fi/fantasy geek.
45. There are several books I have read so many times that I can quote entire passages with very little difficulty.
46. I remember numbers really well. Prices, phone numbers, account numbers...it always surprises people.
47. I look younger than I am. People tell me that I'll appreciate it when I'm older, but for right now, it sucks.
48. I believe in God. But sometimes it's hard.
49. I get depressed easily. I was borderline suicidal for a while in high school.
50. I'm very, very sensitive to the opinions of others, but I try not to let it show.
51. Some days I get scared that nobody actually likes me; they're all just humoring me.
52. I have trouble making friends.
53. The only time I ever hit somebody in the face was an accident, and I apologized about ten times, even though it was her fault (we were practicing stage fighting for an acting class).
54. When I was thirteen, I wanted to be an architect or an engineer.
55. Then I took algebra.
56. I'm good at SAT math, but not so much precalculus.
57. I like doing science experiments, but I hate writing the lab report afterwards.
58. I procrastinate.
59. On certain days of the month, chocolate tastes WAY better than being thin feels.
60. I suck at video games, but I like them anyway.
61. I don't understand people who listen to music for the lyrics. Good lyrics are a plus, but if the music isn't good, I'm not going to listen to it.
62. I have no desire to give birth, but I'd like to have kids someday.
63. I support gay marriage. Not civil unions. Marriage. Separate but unequal is not going to cut it.
64. Racism bothers me. A lot. Especially the little prejudices I find ingrained in my own mind.
65. I despise politicians. Anybody with an ego big enough that they think they should be president is clearly not going to be a good president. I doubt they'd be much of a good anything.
66. Yes, yes, big corporations are evil, but damn...Walmart is so cheap! I promise I'll only go to Starbucks once a month, okay? MacDonald's--blech. You can keep 'em.
67. Addiction is not a strong enough word for the attachment I have to caffeine.
68. I eat when I'm bored.
69. People who say "on tomorrow" drive me crazy.
70. Sarcasm is my standard defense mechanism.
71. I love to shop for bedding, kitchen implements, china, silverware, candles, towels--domestic stuff.
72. Even though I can't afford any of it.
73. I love Christmas. Buying presents for people makes me incredibly happy. I'm like a little kid.
74. Ads get on my nerves. That's why I hardly ever watch TV. I do like The L Word, though. And I have an inexplicable fondness for Oprah.
75. There's a big gap between my verbal intelligence (really high) and my visual/spatial intelligence (slightly below average). If I were less intelligent overall, it would be classified as a learning disability.
76. I love board games. Particularly Monopoly, Settlers of Catan, Parchesi, Boggle, UpWords...
77. I've never been drunk.
78. I like meat. Beef, pork, chicken, lamb--I can't live without it. I'd be the world's worst vegetarian.
79. I like public radio/television.
80. People who wear or display confederate flags alarm me.
81. I have probably seen Beauty and the Beast more times than is healthy.
82. I have crushes on lots of fictional characters: Lara Croft, Seven of Nine, Xena (duh!), Elizabeth Bennett, Princess Leia, Fleur Delacour, Catwoman, Buffy Summers, Faith. I also think (and no, I am not a pedophile), that I might have a crush on the woman Matilda grew up to be. Intelligence is incredibly sexy.
83. I love Legos. Still. I have boxes full of them.
84. The word inconceivable always makes me think of The Princess Bride.
85. I love to learn. I was the kid who read parts of the textbook that weren't required reading.
86. If I see one more person write that "love is a many-splendid thing," I think I might hurt somebody.
87. I get really mad when I go to a movie that's based on one of my favorite books, and they mess it up.
88. I have an unwholesome fondness for cheesy martial arts movies.
89. I used to love macaroni and cheese, but I ate it all the time while I was saving up for a new apartment, and now I don't like it that much anymore. I only like the homemade kind, made with a white sauce and baked in a casserole dish with breadcrumbs on top.
90. I don't believe in the concept of too much gravy.
91. I like fixing things.
92. I like organizing. A lot. Sometimes I organize things at Walmart, just cause I can't stand to seem them looking so chaotic.
93. People assume that I'm an employee in stores a lot, and ask me where to find stuff. I like to think it's because I walk quickly and look confident and purposeful, but it's probably just the polo shirts and khaki pants.
94. I can't decide if I'd rather be famous for writing the great American novel or for inventing a bullshit detector for presidential debates (you probably wouldn't even be able to hear the actual debate over the constant beeping).
95. I will always be grateful for my happy childhood.
96. I buckle my seat belt automatically. Even if the car is not running.
97. I hate fad diets. I'd like to lose weight, but if I do it will be by exercising and eating moderately, not by only eating raw vegetables, or replacing every other meal with cottage cheese and celery sticks, or avoiding red meats and rice on days starting with T.
98. I like my family a lot. I just wish I got to see them more often.
99. My favorite punctuation mark is the comma.
100. I love roller coasters--but I hate big drops.

Who knew?

2005-09-28T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, relatively well adjusted human being!
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All pissed off and no one to disembowel

2005-09-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the general lack of posting, guys. It's not that I didn't have stuff to say. Cause I did. But, well...every time I got on the computer I was just not in a very blog-ish mood. Or something. It might be connected to the whole being sick thing.

ANYWAY...here are some reasons why I am pissed off:

1. S (fellow assistant manager, who has been with the company over a year less than I have) is apparently going to be the one to take the city's Certified Food Manager training class. The one that the store's first assistant (that would be me) usually takes. The one that I have NOT taken. I could see if we were BOTH taking it. Maybe. But, I mean, wtf? I have worked my butt off (not literally, more's the pity) for this company, and suddenly she gets to take the class, after less than six months with the company? I understand she has management experience at plenty of other places, and I understand that she's four years older than I am and is not a lesbian, but seniority should count for something, right? Being the only one who gives a shit about any of the paperwork should count for something, right? Doing the truck order from U.S. Foods every week should count for something, right? Making most of the cakes should count for something, right? Right? Apparently not. I may be jumping to conclusions here, but there is only one training book, and it came from the office with HER name on it. I guess I will just have to talk to my manager tomorrow. It may be out of her hands, due to the jackass district supervisor. Maybe not. Don't really know. All I know is that I am VERY angry. I probably shouldn't be, because, after all, I'm not planning on sticking around long enough to make it worth the company's money to get me certified, but they don't know that. Hell, I think it's about time they wasted some money on me. Also, S is probably leaving to go back to Michigan next spring, possibly sooner. Once again, WTF?

2. (I bet you forgot this was even a list, didn't you?) I am still not completely well, so my head feels all funny, and I get tired quickly, and I sound scary when I try to sing along with the CD player in my car.

3. My back is really bothering me. I'd like to get a heating pad, but I'm reluctant to, because...

4. I have no money. I'm trying to save for this stupid family reunion thing I need to go to, and the only paycheck I'm getting between now and then is probably going to be pretty lousy, because I only got 29.4 hours last week. I was feeling really crappy, and I just couldn't work. So I lost about 10 hours. Grr.

5. In order to make up those hours, I'm going to have to try to convince Beth to let me work over 50 hours this week. Fun times!

6. Subway no longer accepts those little coupons. So I have 14 worthless Subway coupons sitting on my dresser.

7. I need a haircut, but I can't afford one (see #4).

8. My car needs a state inspection, an oil change, and probably a couple other things, but I only have about $100 I can spend on it (see #4).

9. I have no DVD player. That's been bothering me for...over a year now.

Grr.

Is that you down there?

2005-09-23T00:21:00.000-05:00

So...you know how I was not feeling good yesterday? Well...not good doesn't even begin to cover how I feel right now. I actually didn't work tonight. I went in, and felt like total crap, and T said I should just go home, and I did. I went right to bed.

It doesn't help that I only got three hours of sleep last night. I got up at 7:50 and showered and dressed and drove downtown and had horrendous parking nightmares, and then I finally got to the circuit court building (five minutes late, and boy was I sweating it), and they didn't need me. SO, I went back home, and called Mrs. W., and I played some computer games, and took Granddad his tissues, and met Mrs. W. for coffee and lampshade-buying (for Granddad). And I went to the thrift store (finally) and bought some work pants and three nice long-sleeve shirts. Right. Cause I don't already have about fifteen.

And I went home, and I was going to wash my clothes, and maybe take a shower before work, but that didn't happen. Why not? WELL...I, uh, managed to get the toilet so thoroughly clogged that after a good fifteen or twenty minutes of plunging (and now eight hours later) it still has only gone down about an inch. I think I will have to call the handyman in the morning, as embarrassing as I'm sure that will be, because I refuse to have the toilet overflow again. I am NOT going through that.

I just hauled my sick ass out of bed, put on some clothes, drove to work, unlocked the door, turned off the alarm, used the bathroom, turned the alarm back on, locked the door, and drove home. How sad is that?

I don't know if this happens to other people, too, but when I get a fever, I have this out-of-body feeling. Like my body and my mind are only vaguely connected, and it takes a conscious effort on my part to remain present. I've been alternately hot and cold all night (no chills, though, thank goodness), and my head feels abnormally heavy and full.

Right now I'm waiting for the Sudafed nighttime stuff to kick in, so hopefully I can sleep through the night and my body can kick this stupid thing, so I can work tomorrow.

Also, Mrs. W. and I saw this woman wearing quite possibly the ugliest thing I have ever seen. And it might have been attractive (though still completely inappropriate) on someone else, but she did NOT have the figure for it. Actually, if you want to be precise, she had about 2 1/2 times the figure for it. Yuck!

I'm sick and tired

2005-09-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

...of being sick and tired. My throat is sore, and I had to drive all the way out to freakin Oceana in rush hour traffic (35 minutes, one way) to get footlong hot dog buns before I went to work. Grr. And I made fourteen cakes. And I did lobby for closing, which always makes my shoulders and back sore.

AND...I have jury duty tomorrow. I'm a little scared. Mostly scared of not getting up in time. God knows what they do to you if you're late. At any rate...I'm kind of glad, cause I'll get paid $30, and hey, I'm not gonna say no to $30... Maybe I've just read too much John Grisham. Yeah. That's probably it.

I have this idea for a story. I'd like to write it, but I need to go to bed, because I have to be downtown at 9:00 am tomorrow, and I'm sure parking will be nightmarish. Also, I'm hungry. So I will go now.

PS I downloaded a freeware version of Street Fighter 2 (old school video game). It's awesome. I've beaten everybody twice as Dhalsim, and I do okay as Blanka, but I'm having trouble with the others... Is it incredibly pathetic that I'm considering looking up cheats?

Boy George, rabid squirrels, and the crazy vampire lady

2005-09-18T00:08:00.000-05:00

SO...a lot has happened over the past couple days. But I haven't felt like writing about it until now, so I'm just going to dump it all on you at once. Enjoy!

1. I am so, so tired. Tomorrow is my first day off in three weeks, and I am so excited it's ridiculous.

2. I got a letter from my mom yesterday. I wrote about it on Myspace, friends-only, because I was really angry, and I didn't want to say anything I'd regret here, where anyone can read it. Let's just say that she disapproves of my "lifestyle" choices, and leave it at that.

3. Some really, really fucking annoying teenagers came into DQ last night and caused trouble and made lots of noise and swore repeatedly in front of small children for a good hour. Also, they gave the staff nicknames. Mine was Boy George. Even though I look NOTHING like him. I just look like a boy (duh. I TRY to look like a boy).

4. We have an employee who needs to GO. She needs to be gone, like, yesterday. Grr.

5. M says I act like a rabid squirrel sometimes. I think it's mostly the funny noises. He seems to find it amusing, though.

6. T (coworker) has come out to his mom and everybody at work and has a boyfriend. It's pretty cute.

7. I had some very, very strange dreams last night. I think they were influenced by a movie review I was reading shortly before I went to bed. The movie is called Eternal, and it's about a bisexual vampire, or something like that. That's the only explanation I could find for this dream sequence, and even so it only explains a small part of it.

The first thing I remember is being in some kind of renaissance-era building. It was obviously quite old because it was half-timbered and had exposed beams on the inside, and also I just knew it was old...I don't know how or why, but it was a dream. Sue me. Moving on...
This crazy lady (I think she was a vampire) had the corpse of some powerful (vampire?) ancestor of hers, and she was trying to do something to me involving this corpse that would give her more power. I remember ropes and electrical cords and a large crowd of scared-looking villagers. She was wearing black, and she looked REALLY freakin creepy. Somehow I got away from her, and then I was hiding outside the building, which somehow turned into a pub? and I was in this village where fat people (I'm assuming they were people...couldn't see any faces) were walking around in these weird outfits. They were animal costumes on top, with baby blue stirrup pants on the bottom. Strange and very unattractive.

THEN (no, it's not over yet), I had a dream about another Dairy Queen, which I have been to. And the place in my dream looked nothing like this particular Dairy Queen, yet somehow I knew where I was. It was basically just a big carpeted (!) room with an ice cream machine in the very middle. There was no discernible place for the electricity or the ice cream mix to come from. A bunch of people were milling around, and I was the only Dairy Queen worker in sight (I don't remember if I was wearing my uniform). All the cones and dishes either were missing altogether or looked completely wrong. The Brownie Earthquake dish was a little plastic pouch. I don't even know how I knew what it was. There was a little kid with a dipped cone (I don't know where the dip came from--I certainly didn't see any), and he was holding it kind of sideways, so of course the ice cream fell off the cone, and his dad picked up the ice cream and said "Now look what you've done!" and threw it at the kid. Also, I shook Laura Bush's hand (God knows what she was doing there).

Before you ask, no, I did not drink anything or partake of any illegal substances before I went to bed.

In the bathroom of life, I am the unpopped popcorn kernel under the bathmat

2005-09-15T22:58:00.000-05:00

So...I got home from work, and I was just sitting, thinking my usual bathroom thoughts ("Boy, this is taking a long time. I wonder If I have any e-mail. I really need to clean the tub. I'm getting hungry. What would be a good blog title for my post today?" etc.). And then I saw it underneath the corner of the bathmat, where I have to flip it up so I don't put my shoes on it while I'm using the toilet (I have a very small bathroom), there was: (dun dun dunnnnn) ...an unpopped kernel of popcorn. I can only imagine how it got there.

ANYWAY. That really had nothing to do with anything, but I felt that some sort of explanation for the blog title was required.

That game I downloaded...with the stick soldiers? Awesome. There is nothing like mowing down a bunch of stick figures with an uzi for relieving stress.

I have way too much Mountain Dew-induced energy, so I am going to go shoot some stick soldiers.

Good night, people.

*pow pow pow pow pow* *aaaah* *grin*

Current feelings: accomplished, sleepy, sore, relieved, amused, annoyed, anxious

2005-09-14T18:19:00.000-05:00

Accomplished: finally did that scary pile of dishes. Also organized all my books and bought some food that requires cooking :-) Sent Sarah her birthday package.

Sleepy: 4 1/2 hours = NOT ENOUGH SLEEP. Grr. B and I stayed till 2:00 am to make the store look nice because some important DQ people were supposed to come today. Did they? NO.

Sore: Swept, scrubbed and mopped entire lobby last night (it's roughly the size of Kansas, give or take a couple square miles).

Relieved: No jury duty tomorrow.

Amused: Downloaded computer game called Stick Soldiers II. Who knew blowing up stick figures could be so much fun?

Annoyed: Still have not gotten car fixed. Too tired to go anywhere tonight, even though I'm off.

Anxious: Tropical storm coming. Car. Not enough money. Also, I got an airmail letter from Mom and Dad...apparently my mom has "comments" about my blog. I guess I'll have to wait and see what that means (I love you, Mom, but please don't say ominous stuff like that and then leave me hanging).

You say to-MAY-to, I say digusting red ball of slime...

2005-09-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

I don't like raw tomatoes very much. Not sure why. I think it's something about the texture. Whatever the reason...I just don't like them.

That didn't really have anything to do with my day today, but it was a great title (I thought so, anyway) and I just had to use it.

Tonight sucked. Majorly. There are a few things that could have made tonight suck more. But not many. I ended up stuck there for TWO FREAKIN HOURS closing the store. Because all the 10-o'clock people (we close at 10:00 Sun-Thurs, and it usually takes about an hour after that to get the store cleaned up) left without doing SHIT, and the closers were left with a whole lot of stuff to do. It was ridiculous. But I did manage to get an extra hour of overtime out of it, so it wasn't a complete waste.

I also managed to bang my thumb in the dumpster gate and scrape my knuckle on a sharp corner. Grr.

Tired. Going to go to be now (haha. right. in a few hours, maybe). Seriously, though, I'm pretty wiped out. I really wish I had a day off sooner than next Sunday.

Please don't spit in my food.

2005-09-11T01:27:00.000-05:00

I started a new blog, folks. It's called "drive thru etiquette." See link at left.

Hannah weiss alles. Punkt.

2005-09-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

...which translates to: Hannah knows everything. Period. This astonishing (and, sadly, false) pronouncement comes to you courtesy of The Sloganizer (see link at left). If you're in the right mood (silly and/or bored) it can provide hours of entertainment. If you're not, well, why are you reading my blog?

I had a pretty good day today. I was excused from jury duty last Thursday, so I am not in trouble, and I am excused from it tomorrow as well, so I think I will probably go walk around at the Hermitage for a bit and maybe go on the swings (shh, don't tell anyone, okay?). It's been way too long since I spent any length of time outdoors, and the weather is getting cooler, so it's time to maybe not look quite so much like a vampire.

Now, the bad news: my car is making a squealing sort of noise. I think it might be the brakes? (I don't know much about cars, but I have a vague idea that brakes and squealing are connected.) So on Monday (when I get paid) I'll have to see if I can get a state inspection/general tune-up kind of thing and pray that I have enough money to get whatever it is fixed.

*Nerd warning: Star Trek Shipper discussion ahead*

So...I just finished reading Nanotech Wars (ST:V), which has a Chakotay/Seven subplot...and I like Chakotay, don't get me wrong. He's a great guy...but I just don't seem him being the right person for Seven. I might as well admit that I got hooked on Janeway/Seven, and nothing else seems quite right to me. That could just be conditioning, but...I don't think it is. Not completely, anyway. Chakotay always seems like somebody who plays by the rules. Somebody who's willing to let somebody else make the decisions. He's all sensitive and handsome and everything, but I don't know if he's strong enough to handle Seven. I don't know if he'd be willing to fight for her w/ Starfleet and the world in general, which I think is what it would take. And if you read Homecoming and The Farther Shore you can see that Christie Golden doesn't think so either.

*Warning ends*

Goodnight, everyone.

Hannah = Idiot

2005-09-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so that whole "who can comment--registered users only" thing, yeah, completely missed that when I was going through the settings. Grr. I'm such a dork. But it should be fixed now :-)

Also, I worked dayshift today, but of course I couldn't get to sleep until around 6:00 am, so I got around three hours of sleep. Fun. I went to Barnes and Noble after work...I was really sleepy, though. *sigh*

I need to call the circuit court people tomorrow and find out if I'm in trouble for last Thursday. And if I need to go in this Thursday. At 8:00 in the damn morning. Once again, grr.

I am getting all bleary and shit, so I think I will go to bed early tonight. (Right. How many times have I used that one?)

I feel like there's more I should be saying, but at this point I can't think of anything terribly exciting. Probably will occur to me while I'm making a blizzard tomorrow night or something.

Assorted randomness...

2005-09-05T23:35:00.000-05:00

So...work is sucking these days. We had ice cream issues today...S cleaned the machines with this milkstone remover stuff (milkstone tends to build up in softserve machines)...and now the ice cream tastes sour. Most people didn't seem to notice it, but we got several complaints, so we had to clean one of the machines, and the other will have to get cleaned tomorrow.

Grr.

Also...customers suck. Not all of them. Just the ones who have NO clue how to order what they want...or sometimes not even a clue what they actually want. The people who spend a minute and a half in the drive thru, only to decide that they don't want anything we serve...yeah, they piss me off. Also the people who don't bother to ask if we accept credit cards (answer: no), and they order $20 worth of ice cream (made to order, will be unservable in less than 15 minutes...10 if it's really hot), and they don't have any cash, and they never come back. So...bam. $20 in potential sales down the drain. Prime example of a difficult customer: crazy old lady who never should have been allowed out of the nursing home taking about three minutes (with six people behind her and no other registers open) to order: one hot dog and a small drink. The ordering was interspersed with a great deal of whining and gesturing and irrelevant conversation with me and the people in line and (I'm guessing) the world in general. She got mad at me for asking if it was for here or to go, and then she got mad cause we hadn't cut the footlong hot dog in half for her (all she had to do was ask...).

I have a cream cheese craving. That is somewhat strange.

I want something to eat, but I don't have a lot of money, and I don't want to keep spending what little I have on eating out. Grr.

Gas prices? Not cool. Not cool at all.

In other Hannah news...I donated to the Red Cross's hurricane relief fund. I felt bad for not watching the news or really knowing what's going on. I also feel bad for not going to church in so long...but working yesterday and next Sunday was really out of my hands. I need the hours.

No good evil wicked terrible horrific very bad day

2005-09-04T02:04:00.000-05:00

So...I had a bad day. Hugely, colossally, monstrously bad. I had to work for eleven hours, so I knew from the beginning that it would be a bad day. We had a last minute cake order I had to make and decorate. Two good employees (one of whom had been with the company for over a year and was the most senior of the entire crew) quit without notice. And one of the people who quit was supposed to close, and nobody else could close, so M and I were stuck doing everything. And then I sat outside with M to wait for his mom to pick him up. By the time I had taken the deposit to the bank and gone to Wendy's, it was almost 3:00. Not that I mind some overtime. But I'm also going in for four hours tomorrow, on what was supposed to be my day off. And I may end up working next Sunday, too. Which would mean three weeks without a day off.

Plus I need to buy some new work pants, cause one of the two pairs I have now has so many holes in it that it's pretty much useless.

Also...remember how I have jury duty in September? I was supposed to report for jury duty this past Thursday...and I completely forgot about it. It's possible that I may get away with it...after all, nobody called me, and it's possible that I wasn't needed. BUT...it's also possible that I am in big trouble and maybe will have to pay a fine or something (not sure how that works). I can't believe I forgot! I'm such an idiot. And I have to wait until Tuesday to find out...because of course no government employees would be working on a weekend or a holiday.

ALSO (bet you thought I was done, didn't you?)...apparently one of my aunts has breast cancer...beginning stages. They're hoping they can remove the lump and give her five weeks of radiation treatment and it will be okay. And she's not even my real aunt...just an aunt by marriage. But...but...she's still family. And I felt kind of petty for being all upset over my issues when she's dealing with cancer. Cancer! Just, wow.

Oh, and a drunk guy fell asleep in drive thru right after we closed. M had to bang on the car and finally pull the guy's arm out from under his head to get him to wake up long enough to pull out of the drive thru and into the front parking lot and go back to sleep (hitting every curb on his way). Cops pulled up while M and I were outside waiting for his mom, and when we left they had the guy next to his truck, talking and making vague gestures (still obviously under the influence of quite a lot of something intoxicating). It seemed oddly coincidental, because I don't remember ever seeing somebody fall asleep in a drive-thru before, but I got stuck behind a guy who fell asleep in the Taco Bell drive thru just last night. By the way...remind me never to go to Taco Bell again...I knew there was something I didn't like about them, and now I remember what it is: the food.

/whining

Calling all comments...

2005-09-03T01:04:00.000-05:00

Where are the comments, people? Where? I see no comments. Still! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!

Sorry. Got carried away there for a minute...

Anyway. Went to see The Constant Gardener after work tonight. It was good--sad, but good. And now I think even less of the pharmaceutical companies (which I didn't even think was possible). Can I just say that Bill Nighy is a great, albeit weird, actor? Definitely.

Also: I finished the Earthsea Trilogy yesterday. I started it yesterday, too *grin* I think that I started reading The Tombs of Atuan when I was younger...too young to deal with it. I think I got maybe about halfway through. No idea why I started with the second book...perhaps the first one was already checked out of the library. At any rate, I enjoyed the trilogy very much, and I'm looking forward to reading the three Ursula K. LeGuin books that are left. Also looking forward to reading the four Star Trek: Voyager books I have left (from the total of sixteen books I got off Ebay...one of which I had already read). Since they arrived on Tuesday, that means I have averaged two books per day. Not bad, considering that I also went to Barnes & Noble once and did some reading online...

God, I'm such a nerd.

On an entirely different topic: I went to visit my grandfather today. He gave me five dollars to buy him some big boxes of Kleenex with (has to be Kleenex, too, no Puffs or anything). I'm not sure how many he thinks I can get with five bucks, but I'll do what I can...

He was so sad and lonely and pathetic, people. I feel like a complete jerk for not going to see him sooner. And yet...every minute that passed felt like an hour. I stayed for about thirty-five minutes, because I didn't want to be rude, and every time I said something, I would look at him to see if he could hear me, and I guess he's used to trying to fool people, because I usually couldn't tell, except that then he usually said something about something completely unrelated to what I was talking about. I had to say things three or four times to make sure he actually heard and understood. Have you ever tried to wade through half-frozen cherry-flavored Jello? That's what it felt like. I hate cherry Jello, by the way. Artificially cherry-flavored things always remind me of Robitussin.

I saw a preview for a movie I really want to see...it's called Brokeback Mountain (check it out at imdb.com: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0388795/). Gay cowboys. Who would have guessed? Some people in the theater started snickering when the preview came on. I was torn between being excited and being pissed as hell. Someone at work who I really like said something pretty homophobic the other day...I was offended, and I said something, and she didn't see why I was offended, since she didn't say anything "derogatory" about me personally. You remember that guy we fired for making an obscene gesture as a mode of insubordination in front of a lobby full of people (including children)? The one who was always trying to be tough and shadow-boxing, and trying to start fights with people? Yeah...she said he was "so gay." He may very well be gay, although it would definitely surprise me. But she didn't understand why I would be offended by that. *sigh* I thought about trying to explain my reasoning to her, but I didn't want to cause a big fuss.

Can I ever have one entirely good day? Apparently it is against the rules...

2005-08-31T22:27:00.000-05:00

So...there was work drama today. And, since I got about two hours of sleep, I was not really equipped to deal with work drama. HOWEVER, I survived, and that is the important thing, right?

I also got to go to Barnes & Noble tonight...I read part of s/he by Minnie Bruce Pratt (amazing woman!), and part of Anything but Straight, which is about ex-gay ministries. Parts of it made me so mad I wanted to spit...particularly the bits about Paul Cameron, who single-handedly provided most of the misleading, hurtful (and entirely erroneous) statistics that anti-gay activists have been hurling at us for years. He helped perpetuate the ideas that AIDS is a judgement from God on gay people and that all gay people are child molesters and psychologically abnormal. The thing that really gets me is that people whose research he claimed to have used repeatedly wrote letters saying that they never produced the figures he was quoting...the APA kicked him out, he was discredited many times, yet many high-profile right-wing religious groups continued to use his false statistics and hate-filled pamphlets to kill gay-friendly legislation and raise money. For example...he said that gay men were several times more likely than straight men to have syphilis and crabs, and lesbians were more likely to have scabies and some other STD, but he based this solely on results from gay people who went to a VD clinic! Right! Cause that's not biased at all!

And people believe this shit. It's appalling the stuff people will fall for.

Also, Exodus? The huge network of ex-gay ministries? Its two male co-founders eventually realized that they were in love with each other and that they had been deluding themselves all along. They're currently a couple, and they're ex-ex-gay activists. But of course you don't hear anything about them on the Exodus website...oh no.

Pretty much the entire network of ex-gay ministries is based on lies...there are hardly any success stories from people who are not full-time professional heterosexuals...people who lead classes and therapy sessions, etc. And frequently even they end up being caught in gay bars or "slip back into the lifestyle." It's just so sad and pathetic...why must people fight so hard against who they are? Why do people force other people to do this? I don't understand it.

Sorry for the political rant, but I needed to get that off my chest...

A good day...mostly

2005-08-30T21:54:00.000-05:00

So...today was much better than yesterday. I cried myself to sleep last night, and then the first thing that happened this morning was the mailman delivering both sets of books I ordered on Ebay, so I was pretty excited about that. I started reading The Left Hand of Darkness...it's GOOD, people. So good! *smirk*

Also, work wasn't too bad...I tried hard to be cheerful and apparently it worked...I asked T and he said I was much better tonight. Also got an instant message from T's little sister...that was strange. She wanted to know if I was his girlfriend. I explained that I was a lesbian and she said "ew." I told her to go play with a Barbie or something. She's 14, so she was kind of offended, but I couldn't really bring myself to care...I mean, she was signed on under his screen name. Weird. I think I'll call and tell him about it before she gets the chance, although I know they don't get along *evil grin*

My grandfather called me...he finally got the letter my parents sent him...I said I'd come over on Friday afternoon to look at it...her perked right up when I said that. I feel bad for not making the time to visit him sooner...

Time to go read some more (yay!)

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to

2005-08-30T04:04:00.000-05:00

So...I'm kinda bitchy at work sometimes. I realize this. I accept this. I'm even learning to embrace my inner bitch, when it motivates other people to get stuff done.

However...T, my best friend at work, just got internet back after a hiatus of several weeks, and after we exchanged the usual pleasantries, he informed me that everyone had noticed a marked upswing in bitchiness on my part...to the point where people look at the schedule and go "oh no, I have to work with her tonight." I am so, so disappointed in myself. How could I be so blind? I know I've been stressed out over Mom and Dad leaving, and being poor, and where I'm going to go for the holidays, and how I'm going to afford to get there and back, especially with gas prices being as high as they are. But still...apparently just about everyone is really annoyed with me, and I need to snap out of it or they're going to actually hate me.

I've been trying so hard to get everything done...trying to keep on top of everything, and earn the employees' respect, as well as management's. But instead...everybody thinks I'm a raving bitch and they ask each other "how's hannah tonight?" There is a BITCH FORECAST, people. ABOUT ME. Do you have any idea how sad and stupid and horrible and cruel and pathetic that makes me feel? I knew I had snapped at a couple people. I knew I hadn't joked around or laughed as much as usual...but...but...dammit, I'm crying, and I should know better than to let it get to me, but I don't really have any emotional reserves right now, and I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone for a week. Actually, I want to drive up and see Sarah and to hell with Dairy Queen and lazy-ass employees and flat tires.

I miss her so much it's like a physical ache sometimes...why does my best friend have to live several hundred miles away? Why do my parents have to be on the other side of the world when I so badly need a shoulder to cry on and a parental kick in the rear about my attitude and a friendly, familiar, non-work-related face when I'm so lonely I want to dial random numbers from the phone book and hope someone will talk to me?

I feel depression coming on...and I don't have access to Prozac this time, so I have to fight it off by myself, before it gets so debilitating that I don't even go to work and I end up homeless. I really, really, have to do something to turn this around. Perhaps I will ask B (my manager) if I can work a couple days a week...that will give me something to get up for. Something to keep me from doing this weird nocturnal thing that seems to be keeping me from accomplishing anything with my life aside from working and doing two loads of laundry a week. This can't continue. I think maybe I will go to bed now, and have a good cry, and try to get up at 1:00 tomorrow. I have to work a dayshift on Wednesday, so I need to start adjusting now.

Sorry to unload all this dreary stuff on everybody...

Curses...foiled again

2005-08-29T01:53:00.000-05:00

...as the leftovers said when they were wrapped up and put in the fridge for the third time (yes, Mom, I still remember).

I really wanted to go to church tonight, but I didn't make it...for the fourth week in a row, I'm sorry to say. I woke up late, and the closest open tire place I could find was all the way out at Military Circle, and by the time they were done putting the tire on, it was a quarter to six, and there was just no way I could have made it all the way to Hampton in time. SO...I went to Barnes & Noble, and spilled coffee on myself, and bought a copy of Eldest, which I just finished reading (excellent, by the way...now I'm waiting impatiently for the sequel). It was nice to be able to drive on the interstate again without fearing for my life. I think a week of driving very cautiously (due to the spare tire I was using) has taught me a bit of caution. I found myself driving at the speed limit! Or maybe I was just tired...I seem to be very lethargic these days, and I don't understand it. It's becoming really frustrating, because I have so much to do (like copying and pasting all those old blog entries, and cleaning my apartment, and seeing about finding a supplemental source of income), and none of it gets done. I'm also frustrated by my inability to get to sleep. I lie in bed for hours and it just won't come to me. Grr.

It's nice to spend my day off in relaxation, but I find that I miss the human contact church and work provide...I need to get in touch with Mrs. M (my high school Latin teacher) about getting together for coffee...we made tentative arrangements, but no definite plans. I put off trying to set a date until I had the tire taken care of. Now, maybe I can find the time. Can't do it tomorrow, though...laundry and paycheck depositing need to be done before work, and I don't have enough quarters for a load of laundry, so I have to take all my pennies to work and exchange them *rueful smirk* I've spent too much money these past two weeks...far too much. I could have gotten away with it, but then I had to buy a tire, which was more expensive than I had hoped, and now I can see I'm going to regret all my trips to Subway, and the unfortunate Ebay purchases, and the coffee and scone I had at B & N's quasi-Starbucks today. I need to save for getting a tune-up and inspection for the car and for my trip to Durham, and for my Christmas trip to see Sarah. I know I'll get a Christmas bonus from DQ, but it won't come to more than $80 or so after taxes...

PS Why are my feet cold, even in August? It defies all logic.

2005-08-27T02:36:00.000-05:00

The fearsome SNA (Secret Napkin Agent)

A work in progress

2005-08-27T02:28:00.000-05:00

So...this copy and paste thing? Yeah. Definitely going to have to be a work in progress, because I'm doing a bit of editing as I go, and I have about 150 entries left to edit, reformat, and repost...

Some of these old entries are just so embarrassing. Only an idiot would post such drivel voluntarily. I guess that makes me doubly idiotic for posting it all twice, huh?

I think I have my profile all straightened out now, although I'm mad that it leaves out some of my favorite music, movies, and books. Oh well.

Also had fun hunting down some of my favorite movies on http://imdb.com. Who knew Myrna Loy was in well over 100 movies? Sheesh.

Work was kind of annoying tonight...too many slackers, not enough write-up forms. I'm kidding about the write-ups (mostly), but grr...these people stand around too much.

Also, I added two more scrapes to my arms (and I already had one from two days ago). I have so many scars from that place...

2005-08-27T01:28:00.000-05:00

Me in default mode...shy

Another one bites the dust

2005-08-25T15:49:00.000-05:00

So...yet another blog. Well, I guess it was about time for me to strike out on my own. Myspace is so full of semi-illiterate teenagers. And I wanted a real blog...a blog for a grownup. Even though I don't feel like one all that often.

I think I like this new format...it just feels more literate...it makes me want to write about literature and politics instead of music videos and frozen dinners. Not that I ever wrote about music videos. But still...

Okay, I'm done rambling for today. I should be posting all my copied and pasted blog entries from diaryland and myspace tonight. Fun!

Don’t cramp my style, man

2003-11-15T13:39:00.000-05:00

Hello, fellow nerds and nerd-lovers.

Today is going to be an interesting day. We're getting more into the apartment-search process. Many of the places we're interested in don't have any vacancies, but we've found some promising places, and I think everything will work out.

I'm not feeling particularly great (cramps), but I'm fairly confident that we'll have a roof over our heads and food to eat, and that's all we really need.

I'm trying to be less of a label queen. I got cheap toilet paper today, because it was on sale. And last week I got butter that was on sale. Baby steps!

Anyway...I don't feel like writing much, but I'm surprisingly happy, considering that I just started my period.

PS I'm really looking forward to Kellie coming back. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. In fact, I'm grinning right now. Woohoo!

I’m over it...well, kind of, anyway

2003-11-14T16:40:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.

We're going to look for apartments tomorrow. We've pretty much decided to live in Norfolk, because it's SO much cheaper. It's really pretty crazy how much cheaper it is than Virginia Beach. Except for Ghent of course, because Ghent is never cheap. I'm surprised they don't charge admission just to drive through it.

ANYway...I'm a bit tired, because we got to sleep a little late last night (hem, hem), but it was worth it, of course, as it always is. I almost fell asleep today at around 2:30. I swear I & A just puts me right to sleep sometimes. It's amazing.

I had dinner with bosslady last night, and it went REALLY well. She was scrupulously polite, as usual, and put me at my ease almost immediately. We managed to stretch dinner over nearly two hours, despite the fact that we went to Fuddrucker's (it's a glorified burger joint, in case you're unfamiliar with them). It was really good to talk to her again. She and D are the only people from JWC (my former employer) that I really miss. They both go to my old church, but I haven't contacted D because she's the wife of an elder...and she also is a bit of a gossip.

Anyway, Sarah knows me incredibly well, and saw right through me, as usual. I don't think I'm quite as much over my crush on bosslady as I thought I was...but it's not nearly as bad as it used to be. I think the fact that she's not my boss anymore helps a bit. Naturally, Sarah diagnosed this right away. Oh well. She's trying to give me permission to be nonmonogamous. I have no desire to be, but it's nice to know that she won't be irrationally jealous. Hehe.

PS Did you notice the Professor Umbridge throat-clear earlier?

Bosslady, poorness, and some other stuff

2003-11-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

Hi there, homos!

(Sarah's latest nickname--kind of like homies, but for gay people)

I'm at the library while Sarah finishes up in clerical. It's kind of sucky, because it's not the central one and they only have one (1!) unfiltered computer. Grrr. I hate the ones with lumps *smirk*

Anyway, will probably be having a late dinner with bosslady tonight, after she gets off from work. It should be interesting, to say the least...I hope she's fairly cool about stuff and doesn't try to lecture me. I think I might cry if she does, because I'm a bit PMS-y, and I respect her a lot. She's smart, and funny, and polite, and amazingly sharp, but still kind. Yes, I had a crush on her for a while, but it subsided into the same friendship that was there before, plus I have a wonderful girlfriend who is going to go get poked in the arm tonight for $20. I can't get over the blood money thing.

But if she doesn't mind it, it's really not my place to say anything. And it's money, after all, which we could really use right now, with the need to get a new apartment and all. Maybe I'll make a handmade spreadsheet kind of thing while I'm waiting for bosslady to pick me up tonight, and Sarah is donating plasma...yeah, I think I'll do that. I also think I will go put some gas in the car before I pick up Sarah from work. Or maybe after, I don't really know. Hmmm. No, before, I think, at least if I can find a gas station close to here

The Queen of Nerds is BACK!

2003-11-12T18:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we have a new air mattress, without a hole. Which is good.

But we have to move out. Which is mostly bad.

But we might be able to get an apartment with Kellie, which is good.

But it might be more expensive than what we have now, which is bad.

But it might be fun, which would be good.

But it might be awkward, which would be bad.

Anyway, enough "mights". We'll just have to see what's available and go for it.

But we're both pretty excited that Kellie is moving back to the area.

And I have entirely too many paragraph breaks today. Oh well.

Life is not quite as good as it has been, but then again the honeymoon phase can't last forever, and I'm kind of relieved that I know how the body of the relationship will be. I can deal with the PMS and the irrationality. I'm actually learning to be amused by it, but I still have a tendency to take it a bit too seriously. Maybe it's that verbal abuse legacy from my dad.

Anyway, I'm not real happy with my parents right now, so I'm not going to call them. I'm just going to wait for Mom to get up the nerve to risk Sarah's "frosty tone" and call me. What a crock of shit. I mean, really. She may not be cordial, but she has no reason to be. My parents have not been particularly nice to me since I came out. And certainly not since I told them about our couplehood. They're just going to have to get over themselves. I'm tired of making concessions. It's their turn.

And I'll get off my soapbox now.

Of course I’m not sleepy! What makes you zzzzzz

2003-11-10T18:21:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody. Welcome to a new day that feels exactly like all the old ones, only a little bit sleepier.

Yes, it's true: our air mattress has sprung a leak. Grrr. We were both rather uncomfortable last night, and consequently rather cranky today, but we're hoping to fix the hole with a bicycle tire patch kit *crosses fingers*

We'll see what happens.

Anyway, other than that, not really much to report.

We're both a bit giddy, and have been laughing hysterically today about the stupidest stuff. As a matter of fact, I'm not even going to tell you what we've been laughing at, because it's that stupid.

Almost time to go home and have dinner (Yay!), so I'll leave you now...

Chow *grin*

Short and not so sweet

2003-11-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. Not a long entry for today, because I just don't feel like it.

I'm a bit sleepy, and a bit frustrated, and generally not in the mood for lots of diary frivolity.

And mom said that she hasn't called because she's been afraid of Sarah answering the phone. I felt like saying "tough shit," but of course I didn't. Grr. Maybe I should have. I don't know. I'm waffling between a little bit bitchy (which is pretty bad for me), and sleepy/happy.

Geez. I'm even more indecisive than usual, which is really pretty amazing.

Ciao for now (haha! it rhymes).

Life = good

2003-11-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone.

Life is good. I got paid quite a bit more than I was expecting, so I'm pretty happy about that, and Sarah and I got heaps of groceries yesterday, and I got a potato-masher, so I can make REAL mashed potatoes now, not that wretched out-of-a-box stuff.

And I got to sleep in.

Also, bosslady and I will probably be getting together for a meal or something sometime soon. She goes to my ex-church, and was my boss at the law firm I used to work for. I'm a little bit wary, because of the church thing, but I think it should be ok. We've always gotten along well, and she's generally a very polite, very nice person.

On a less cheerful note, I talked to PB (my ex-pastor) on Thursday, and I think they're going to excommunicate me, which is rather depressing. Ah, well. I guess that's another good reason not to go back. One day I'm sure it will be amusing. The telephone conversation was pretty emotional, though. That, along with some other stuff, combined to make Thursday a pretty sucky day for both of us. Yesterday was much happier, however, and today looks like it will be equally happy. Woohoo!

I got three new (used, but new to me) books at the library today. Happiness!Life is good. I mentioned that earlier, but I think it bears repeating.

Poor as churchmice, but happy as clams (and almost as clichéd)

2003-11-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. Today I get to write more, because I'm at the ODU library, and they have no time limit (hallelujah!).

Life is pretty good, aside from a general lack of money.

Sarah donated plasma today, so we had a little bit, most of which got spent on dinner and candy. I feel kind of guilty...like I'm using blood money or something...Oh well. We both get paid on Friday, so things should improve. Unfortunately, I have a (really old) library fine and a student loan payment to make, so I'll still be pretty poor. Luckily, I & A has asked me to work dayshift for a week, so I'll be getting more hours on the check after next.

Still looking into the job at the chicken place, but with everything up in the air at I &A, and the possibility of switching to days, I'd like to wait a bit. We'll see what happens.

Also, I wrote an email to my parents, telling them about the relationship w/ Sarah. They weren't particularly pleased, but I'm hoping that they'll learn to deal with it.

Overall, I'm insanely happy. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a decent job, a fabulous girlfriend, a nice apartment, have I mentioned that I really love my girlfriend? Yeah, I'm that besotted. *grin*

Our friend Joel from work says that we're a "very saccharine" couple. It's kind of amazing to me that I'm part of a sickeningly cute couple, but I guess I am...it's way more fun than I thought it would be *big grin*

Sundays ROCK!

2003-11-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone. Just a short entry today, as people are waiting in line at the library.

All the people I asked for recommendations are willing...now I just have to find someone at the current job. Shouldn't be too hard, I don't think...

Can I just say that I have the world's most awesome girlfriend? Yes, it's true...she knows me so well it's a little bit scary. But cool, too.

*Happy sigh*

I love Sundays.

Love. And money (or lack thereof)

2003-10-29T17:11:00.000-05:00

Love letters rock. It's so much fun to pass notes with Sarah at work. She made a comment in her diary about how neither of us is particularly good at saying things out loud, which is pretty true, although more true of me than of her.

I called Mom today, and she said that I'm welcome to go to the house of some church people with the 'rental units for Thanksgiving, but I really don't think I'm ready to go through that. It's a long, drawn-out kind of deal, and I really don't feel like fielding questions for four hours. Plus, nobody knows I have a girlfriend yet...

And I overdrew my bank account (some funds were on hold for some reason, but I didn't know that), so they charged $65 for being overdrawn, despite the fact that (minus the funds on hold) I only went 6 cents over. I'm thinking I need to keep track of my account better. Also, the lady I talked to on the phone suggested that I get a savings account and link it to my checking account as overdraft protection. I would do that, except that I don't really have any money to put into the savings account *sigh*.

Oh well. I got an application for the chicken place down the street, so now I just have to find four (yes, 4) references. Grrr. And then I will be kind of tired, but not so poor anymore. And I can save up a few hundred dollars for a down payment on a car so Sarah doesn't have to share with me anymore. Despite the overall tone of this entry, I'm really insanely happy. Just cuddling with Sarah at the end of the day makes me so happy I couldn't care less about the rest of the world. I just want to curl up under the blankets, wrap my arms and her, and never let go...

A short entry about nothing in particular

2003-10-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

Just a quick entry today, as I'm almost out of time.

Being in love is fabulous. Well worth the hickeys:-)

It's kind of funny to have to wear a turtleneck. It's not something that I've ever had to do before, but it seems kind of cool, in a weird sort of way.

I really enjoy having someone I can touch just about anytime I want to. I always feel a bit nervous about it, but I'm growing less so, and it's so much fun.

*Sigh* Today has been such a happy day.